Heart beats fast 心在狂跳 Colors and promises 色彩以及誓言 How to be brave 如何变勇敢 How can I love when I'm afraid to fall 如何去爱,若我害怕坠毁 But watching you stand alone 可一见你孤单无助 All of my doubt 我所有顾虑 Suddenly goes away somehow 竟然在刹那间散去
One step closer 又近一步
I have died everyday waiting for you 我天天望穿双眼,等候着你 Darling, don't be afraid 亲爱的,别担心 I have loved you for athousandyears 我爱你已有一千年 I love you for athousand more 我还要再爱一千年
Time stands still 时间定格 Beauty in all she is / 美丽无以伦比 I will be brave 我会很勇敢 I will not let anything take away 我不会容许谁夺走那些 What's standing in front of me 摆在我面前的东西 Every breath 每口呼吸 Every hour has come to this 每一小时尽聚于此
One step closer 又近一步
I have died everyday waiting for you 我天天望穿双眼,等候着你 Darling, don't be afraid 亲爱的,别担心 I have loved you for athousandyears 我爱你已有一千年 I love you for athousand more 我还要再爱一千年
All along I believed I would find you 自始至终,我坚信我会找到你 Time has brought your heart to me 时光
Don't know why, been missing him loads lately. Out of no reason.
Saw this MV again, am glad I could finally watch the MV again. I love this song, really love it very much. Not only the MV, but also the lyrics of the song. But, at one point, I have to give it up as I felt so hurtful so much so I would cry. So, been avoiding this song on my playlist for a good old.....8months very least?
But, I guess, the storm has finally passed and I could, again not only listen to the song, but also watch the MV. Happy days. =)
Finished 5 nights finally. Not really liking medicine block a single bit. Too much hassles. But, I think I do learn a lot, felt much independant although at times I felt I am quite stupid, telling SHO every single thing I have done. =p. But, all in all, I hope whatever I have done or not done, my judgements are normal. I am not hoping all of them are correct, but at least, even if I made mistakes, they are not so much off the norm. =p
Well, enough of talking rubbish. Haven't been blogging for some time. Maybe I should pick it up all over again. *hehe*
Totally missing him....but I bet this feeling will passed. I believe it would.
Here goes the MV, I got it from Youtube and the lyrics too. =)
while I was walking from Union Square back home after a big shopping there,
I miss him, all of the sudden.
Yep, I miss Daniel. All of a Sudden
I wonder,
How is he?
What is he doing now?
I know he will be well, absolutely well
I also know his job will be fantastic.
Knowing him,
He is someone who don't spend time on moaning about what he got
He just work through and make things fun for himself.
He, is a coffee bean
He strive no matter where he is
I really miss him. Out of no where.
Maybe, cuz I have been studying some gynae books, and it brought back our memories when we were preparing our 4th year exams. Those were the good old times.
Watched one very touching leukaemia advertisement.
Finally, I realized,
there is something that is severely LACKING in myself.
And that, is
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
All these while, I have never love someone unconditionally. I mean, I love my mum, I love my dad, I love my family....but I always argue for my rights. I argue for what I want. I fought for what I want, as long as I want it, I never bother what comes into my way.
I never undertood, why father cried, when he saw grandma's body. Yes, I am sad, I am extremely sad...but I don't know why he needs to cry that much, that heart breakingly. And now I know. Because my dad loves my grandma.Unconditionally eventhough prior to her death, she created so much fuss and hassle.
I am being honest here, hence I am going to say I find grandma difficult to bear. Not only that, I find my old grand dad diffiuclt to bear. I have no patients with them. I want everything to be quick, fast and accurate. So my patience only last for a short time with them, then I would try to avoid them. And still, I think I love them. Yes, maybe I do love them...but not unconditionally.
I think I am a very sad and pathetic person. I love, but with a condition. Maybe that is why....this is me today, feeling empty.
But, now I know what I lack.
Unconditional Love.
I wonder.....how to do that?
I shall try....find a person and love unconditionally.
I shall.
Maybe one day, when I cry, that is because I really love them. Unconditionally.
Watched one very touching leukaemia advertisement.
Finally, I realized,
there is something that is severely LACKING in myself.
And that, is
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
All these while, I have never love someone unconditionally. I mean, I love my mum, I love my dad, I love my family....but I always argue for my rights. I argue for what I want. I fought for what I want, as long as I want it, I never bother what comes into my way.
I never undertood, why father cried, when he saw grandma's body. Yes, I am sad, I am extremely sad...but I don't know why he needs to cry that much, that heart breakingly. And now I know. Because my dad loves my grandma.Unconditionally eventhough prior to her death, she created so much fuss and hassle.
I am being honest here, hence I am going to say I find grandma difficult to bear. Not only that, I find my old grand dad diffiuclt to bear. I have no patients with them. I want everything to be quick, fast and accurate. So my patience only last for a short time with them, then I would try to avoid them. And still, I think I love them. Yes, maybe I do love them...but not unconditionally.
I think I am a very sad and pathetic person. I love, but with a condition. Maybe that is why....this is me today, feeling empty.
But, now I know what I lack.
Unconditional Love.
I wonder.....how to do that?
I shall try....find a person and love unconditionally.
I shall.
Maybe one day, when I cry, that is because I really love them. Unconditionally.
Sales is almost over!! lol. I bought LOTS of things. But, I only kept few things. For example, I paid over 200pounds for clothes, in the end, I only kept 30pounds worth of clothes, the rest throw back to them. But, fair enough, I did kept my Fine Bone China Filter Mug which cost 12pounds (I know I know...paying 12 pounds for a mug is just insane.....but hey, the good news is, I really LIKE THE MUG). Then, I kept a lot of Locitane's Lotion and totally fell in love with them. So, I guess.....really, they are not a waste.
Spent a lot on food and what I call socializing too. Most of the time, I dine out with friends when I am really not hungry. But I just hang out with them....because I feel sick being alone in my flat, staring at the ceiling. No, don't get me wrong that I don't like to be in my room. I love my room. I rather be in my room than in the cold strange, small Doctor's Room in Infection Unit. I would rather stone in my room than stone in the Doctors Room. Sigh.But then, honestly, the price for socializing too much??? I am gaining so much weight. I HONESTLY need to lose some weight.
Went out with the boys today. I am surprised at myself, hanging out with the boys?? 1st time me doing that.....but it wasn't actually bad. In fact, I felt quite fun. Just 4 of us, 3 boys and a girl. I felt 'safe'. hahahaha. Each of them have their own character. Mok, the guy that kept talking rubbish and I just play along and have fun. But its relaxing being with him. Come on, you DO NOT NEED TO THINK. Just say whatever in your mind. Relax conversation. Nonsense, but easy conversation. lol. Jonan, the boss...he is the driver and definitely has his own piece of mind. No offence. I think as long as his mind doesn't cross mine, I am alright. lol. hahaha. Jackie? The guy whom I have known since 1st year and at one time even had a huge crush on. hahahaha. He is...most of the time quiet, but at times saying things straight and down to earth. hahaha. A wee bit rigid, but make most sense at all. I guess, with me, a girl who covered up her true self most of the time, trying to please every one and trying to talk nonsense.....4 of us are not a bad group. Fun. Can consider going out together next time.
Strange, my eye lid has been twitching for the past 1 week and it twitch again tonight. Maybe, it symbolise the fact that my eyes are tired and need sleep. But I am feeling so full. How to sleep??? I am so gaining weight. I starved myself whole day. Just with salmon sandwich and a bowl of soup....then the dinner kicks in with 1/4 chicken, chips, and fizzy drinks. I feel like killing myself. Spoiled my dieting plan. But.....I had a good night out with the boys. Fun Fun Fun. =)
I have been working since Boxing Day. Day in and day out, 9am till 9pm. Each day, when I finish my job, all I want to do is to eat and then go to bed (maybe that's why I have been gaining weight?)
New Year, I should have new resolutions.
What resolutions I made last year? I have no idea at all. Haha.
But, I think it won't be far from "hopefully 2011 is a moderate year of little tears and bitterness."
In fact, I think my wish did came true. I did have a moderate year of litte tears and bitterness.
I hope, 2012 will be the same as 2011. A moderate year with little tears and bitterness. I dont want a SUPER GREAT year. That's fine. I am contented with moderate year with some ups and downs. A little bumpy, just enough for me to pull through but not enough for me to have tears and felt bitter.
2011, is a good year. I learnt a lot, I became stronger, I became more mature. I learn new things every day, I made new good friends, so many of them that up till now I am still keeping in touch with them. I constantly climb up, constantly spread my network of people, getting to know new folks who are nice people. So, 2011, is a good year. Looking back now, I think, Daniel played a huge part and then starting job made up the other part.
The only tears I shed in 2011, were mainly for boys. Yes, boys boys and boys. I think I had enough of tears for them.I am so disappointed with them now. I know it is stupid to think so, but after 3 consecutive guys who played my feelings, I really have nothing good to say for them.
1. Daniel. He is the guy that hurt me most in 2011. But that started since 2010, extended up to 2011, never actually ends until he left scotland. But, right now, I accepted the fact that he is not the right person. I still keep in touch with him, just enough to maintain contact, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New at time, but not enough to know what or how he is doing.
2. Next up, it Andrew. Till this point, I still cannot believe he used me. He used our 7 years of friendship, made me fell for him, used me and then disappoint me. To him, 7 year of friendship worth nothing. But to me, 7 years of friendship worth a lot. In the end, he still wants the friendship, but I am sorry, I could not go on anymore. I am disappointed. I gave up on the friendship. Maybe good friends should always stay good friends and not go further, or else things changed and friendship will not be there anymore.
Anyhow. I guess other than that, just some stress from work, some high expectation from myself. 2011 is still a good year.
In 2011,
I love my job, I hope I can still be proud and say that next year
I love my family, my friends, I hope this will never change.
I love myself, and I hope I still love myself. Learn to pamper myself well.
So, 2012 resolutions.
1. Stay single for a year (at very least). Nyo Nyo is right. I am too young. I am inexperienced in love and relationship. I need sometime, I need some experience in handling people before actually diving into a proper relationship. So, casual date, don't get serious. Have some fun, but don't put in feelings and emotions, don't get serious. I love Nyo Nyo (she is my SHO).
2. Work Hard. Work hard, earn every single penny with sweat and effort. Do my job well. Learn new things. Do not be afraid to say I don't know and be embaressed or even humiliated. Afterall, it will only be once. Next time, I will know what to say or how to do.
3. Aim to get into O&G training post next year. So study hard and work hard on audit.
4. Be happy, be contented and smile always. Be optimistic, be positive, always smile and think for the good. Put smile in everyone. Give everyone sunshine.
5. Love myself and be polite be nice to everyone. Love myself before loving others.
I guess, mainly that's it? I shouldn't be too greedy or else when I look back, I won't be able to acheive them. haha.
The name of this song, reminds me of what I said to Andrew 2 weeks ago. No, don't get me wrong, it is not because this song that reminds me of him, but, this is something...or maybe I should say, the principle that I have been holding on for so long.
知足, be contented.
I said to Andrew 2 weeks ago while he and I were at Dublin, I am contented with life. "I am healthy, I am happy, I have walked so far, yes, life has been abit bumpy and rough for me, but I pulled through. I have many friends, I have a loving family, I have the job that I really want to do, I have most of the things that I want. What can I ask more? I am contented for being who I am now, happy as I am".
Dedicate this song to all of you.
Be contented with life, be contented with what you have now and treasure them well.
Lyrics:
家家 - 知足(追梦版) lrc制作:熙阳′眏雪↓ QQ:634012374 Twinkle Twinkle,little star How I wonder what you are Up above the world so high Like a diamond in the sky 怎么去拥有 一道彩虹 怎么去拥抱 一夏天的风 天上的星星 笑地上的人 总是不能懂 不能觉得足够 当一阵风吹来 风筝飞上天空 为了你而祈祷 而祝福 而感动 终于你身影 消失在 人海尽头 才发现 笑着哭 最痛 如果我爱上 你的笑容 要怎么收藏 要怎么拥有 如果你快乐 不是为我 会不会放手 其实才是拥有
家家 - 知足(追梦版) Twinkle Twinkle,little star How I wonder what you are Up above the world so high Like a diamond in the sky
How can I get hold of a beautiful rainbow?
How can I put a whole summer's wind into my arms?
The stars above in the sky, laughed at the people on this land
Who could never understand, and never feel contented.
When a breeze of wind, bring the kite up into the sky
I prayed for you, I put in all my deepest blessing, I felt touched and warmed
Finally, you disappear in the sea of people
And I realized, crying yet putting up a smile at the same time is the most painful thing
If I love your smile
How can I treasure it and how can I hold it forever
If you are happy, not due to me
Maybe I should let you go, and that is when I truly have you in my heart
Merry Christmas, everyone, regardless of who you are and where you are.
I am acting very strangely, lately. I think my new job is over stressful for me. I just finish 4nights in a row last Friday morning and since then, my body clock has been messed up badly. I could sleep at 9pm/12am, and woke up at 2am?? Something very strange. Plus, I don't feel THAT tired in day? Meaning, I only got about 3 hours sleep per day and yet I am holding on. The worst thing is, in that 3 hours sleep, I kept thinking I am doing night shift and that I am not supposed to sleep. Any time, anyone could have bleep me and I need to response. And any time, someone could have walk into the doctor's room and I will be in trouble. Then I would wake up nearly jumping off the bed. Sigh
I am really stressful, aren't I?
Daniel contacted me....maybe, 2 weeks ago and I did mentioned once that he contacted me. Don't know why, knowing he is surviving well at home, made me feel......happy for him. Strange feelings? Yes, but that is the true feelings I have got.
Me and Andrew? Still same old friends. I was mad at him for 1 week plus and then I got fed up with being emotional and frustrated.....in the end, I made it up. haha. I think I am freaking useless and that if I don't amend this poor attitude, I will always be fooled around and played around. However, despite of that, I just could not make myself be sad and frustrated for long. It kills my happiness away and I don't want to be constantly not happy.
Went to the christmas party organized by Jackie/Hui Ling last night. Was great meeting everyone up and talking nonsense, and I mean Malaysian nonsense again with all the Malaysians. Felt so at home and for once, I am happy from the deepest part of my heart and not just faking it. Spoke to Jackie few times and teased him well and nicely. lol. Kind of brought me back to the time when I had a crush on him for 4 years. I don't know how I did it, I just managed to secretly like him for 4 years. hahaha. But then, looking at him last night, I realized, I finally could look into his eyes as a friend, spoke to him as an equal friends....and just plainly have some fun. =)
Did a bit of thinking yesterday afternoon, which is quite bad for the time being. It's winter and I get mood swings easily....but, I guess....my thought is right.
Why did I want to get into relationship? Why am I desperate in "selling" myself off? I don't know. But I think the greatest reason behind was because I am free. No, not FOC that kind of free, but freedom that type of free. I was binded tightly by parents since young, to not have Boyfriend, to not get into relationship. Then for my own sake, while I was in Uni, I personally binded myself saying that I have no time besides studies and that I should concentrate more in studies. So, sudden freedom, esp the last few years of Med School, I realize, maybe, it is time to moved on and get a life. That is when I starts to get the freedom in myself after so many years. Then things went out of control.....and I was hurt multiple times.
Today, I realized, maybe I am still young for relationship. I am never someone who wants to get married in my 20s. The earliest I want to get married is 28...and if I get into a relationship now, it means I would have to maintain a relationship for 5 years? wow. Kind of a BIG commitment for me, man. lol.
Then I realized, all these while, I was hurt because I never met the proper guy that I think is the best for me. Its kind of difficult to explain. It is just that kind of "hmm, that's him" and that I could JUST BE MYSELF (okay, with the exception of Andrew, as I know Andrew that Long and he KNOWS the way I am). It is always me trying to make myself act as a different person. For Jackie, would be someone more mature? And for Daniel would be someone, kind of emotional and depressed +/- kelian. hahaha. Yes, please laugh, I am laughing too. Never for one, that I just BE MYSELF, and LOVE MYSELF (again, with the exception of Andrew).
That is when, I think, I am really tired. I need a break, after all these 2-3 years od being hurt and flowing tears. I want a break and just live on my own + laugh like a mad person when I am truly happy. And I think, maybe, when I am finally ready to go again, I would be old enough to know what I really want in a person and who I want to live with for the rest of the life.
At times, I will feel lonesome and wish I could have someone to turn to and hug + let someone pamper me. I guess I just have to put up with that? At times, I would wish I wouldn't need to go shopping alone and that someone will be around to be concern of me and think of me too. But then, I guess, I could put up with all these for another couple of years.
Last night, went to bed after Diazepam myself and then cried all the way. Finally, fallen asleep. Woke up at 3am, for no reason, went to grab myself an egg tart, drank water and then again, cry to sleep.
This morning, 7.30 sharp, woke up once again. You know what this shows? It shows early wakening despite of diazepam. It FAILED me miserably. I got a hard core feeling that my diazepam might have expired. Good time for me to get diazepam again when I go home.
I realized I have good bunch of friends. For once, he is right, I have lots of friends who can hug me. Maybe my friends couldn't hug me last night when I broke down, cried bitterly and was miserable. But, they supported me through. 3 of them, texted me continuosly....talking to me, cheering me up...let my tears flow as much as I like as long as I promise them I would stand up again.
Then this morning, when I woke up, listening to Elva's 错得人.....cried all the way again. I go to sleep with this song, I woke up with this song. Nae bad?
Then, yunny found me online secretly. So she tracked me down, tell me to stop listening to that song and in exchange, gave me Beyonce's Best Thing I Never Had....which totally suit me. haha.
So yea....just in case you want to know how quick my emotion changes...I embeded 2 songs here. 1st Elva's and then 2nd Beyonce's. lol
And the lyrics....don't know why, I just love both songs.
*i think my problem is 爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲, 太容易让自己沉沦, 太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕.So end up, I always got hurt. sigh. Stupid me.
And then, Yunny introduce me this song.
Beyonce's <Best Thing I Never Had>
What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby), What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby), I say what goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby), What goes around comes back around...
There was a time I thought, that you did everything right, No lies, no wrong, Boy I must have been out of my mind, So when I think of the time that I almost loved you, You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you!
Thank God you blew it, Thank God I dodged the bullet, I'm so over you So baby go lookin' out!
[Chorus] I wanted you bad, I'm so through with it, 'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had, You turned out to be the best thing I never had, And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had, Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now!
So sad, you're hurt, Boo hoo, oh did you expect me to care? You don't deserve my tears, I guess that's why they ain't there, When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you, You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you!
Thank God you blew it, Oh thank God I dodged the bullet, I'm so over you, Baby go lookin' out!
Beyonce Best Thing I Never Had lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/beyonce-best-thing-i-never-had-lyrics.html
[Chorus] I wanted you bad, I'm so through with it, 'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had, I say, you turned out to be the best thing I never had, Hmm and I'll never be the best thing you never had, Oh baby I bet it sucks to be you right now!
I know you want me back, It's time to face the facts That I'm the one that's got away, Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life, Thank God I found the good in goodbye!
[Chorus] Oh I used to want you so bad! I'm so through with it, 'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had, Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had, And I will always be the best thing you never had, Ouhh best thing you never had!
I used to want you so bad! I'm so through with it, 'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had, Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had, Ouh I'll never be the best thing you never had, Ohh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now!
(What goes around comes back around), (What goes around comes back around), I bet it sucks to be you right now, (What goes around comes back around), I bet it sucks to be you right now, (What goes around comes back around), I bet it sucks to be you right now.
Hahaha. My ji-mui is just BRILLIANT. Absolutely GENIUS. This song also can find. How can I not love them???? lol.
Thanks people. I am feeling much better. I am confident of myself, my character, my face, my looks, my body. I know I am hot and I will continue to be hot (just to piss the people who hurt me in the past)....haha. I have been living on my own independant for 3 years here and I will continue living independantly for another 3 years.
To me, 7 years is enough to graduate from Med School, start work, go through all the bumpy road in lifes and still surviving and be happy.
I know Andrew for 7 years. The funny thing is, I only met him once 7 years ago and then...on and off we kept in touch...until, somehow, we were so close, until somehow, I actually like him.
I went to see him over the weekend. Yes, I flew, all the way from Aberdeen to Ireland. It is not the flying part that annoys me, it is the train part where I have to travel from Aberdeen to Edinburgh to catch the plane from Edinburgh to Ireland. That train part annoys me a lot. It is quite boring to take train alone, plus it is the East Coast train that I caught, such a small space.
I think I am crazy, flying over to Ireland to see someone whom I have not seen over 7 years, someone I only met once and someone, I like just by chatting online. You think I am crazy? Yes I think you are right, I think I am crazy + insane.
My 1st impression of him as I saw him was "why he look silly geh?". Lol. I know, I know, I am super bad. But then, I also find him very cute. He is not someone I would describe as hot, he is not someone I would describe as handsome. He is not even someone that I would have dated in the past. But over the weekend, somehow, I don't know why....some part of my heart says "i want to be with him. He may not be the usual type I would go for, but, I felt safe, I felt comfy being with him. I want to be with him".
And then, the ending. Just before I went flew back to UK, that morning, I sobbed in his arms. 1st time, me crying infront of a guy, a friend. I must be so hurt that no tears come. I basically sobbed and howled. But no tears come. That is when I know I am DEAD. I put in too much of myself into him. I am so hurt, that hurt till no tears could come even when I want to cry.
And so I left. Before I left, I told him "maybe the next time we meet, it would be 7 years later."
7 years,
7 years ago, I like him, but because he was committed to another girl, I didn't say anything. I quietly pull myself away.
7 years later, I like him once more, but due to some reason, I again pulled myself away.
Another 7 years, will I like him once more? by then, I would be 30 years old. Not the barely 17 years old when I 1st met him and not the 23 years old of me now. 30 years old.....or maybe, I would have to wait another 7 years?
You don't sit and wait for chance to come tell you "hey there, I am chance"
You stood up, recognize chance as chance and seize it before it run away.
I did trying seizing it this time...but still, I guess I am too late again.
I hope, I don't need to do the same all over again 7 years later.
As though to mock my current situation, Daniel sent me a Facebook message this morning. Yes, just after I came back in pieces from Ireland. Somehow, I felt, I forgiven him. I don't felt the pain, I don't felt the anger/frustration anymore. I felt, I am ready to be friends again.
7 years...how many 7 years do I have??
My friend is right "if a guy wants you, he will want you no matter what happen, even if the world is collapsing tmr, he will want you. If he doesn't, he will give you lots of nonsense excuses."
I made the craziest decision I EVER MADE in my life.
I decided to fly to Ireland....in 5 minutes time? hahaha.
As soon as the thought come into my mind, I checked with Andrew and he said yes, come....and then I said, yea...im coming.
The whole process....probably take 15mins? lol. But me straight away say yes im coming?? in 5 mins.
I don't know what is going to happen....I have NEVER been THAT crazy before. Looks like having cash in bank is not too great a thing as I can literally just spend the way I like....on impulses. Haha.
To be honest.....im actually quite looking forward to it. Haha.
Can't wait....excited to be going over to Ireland and have fun. How do I know its going to be fun? Oh well, I don't know.....but I guess, it WILL BE fun. lol. hahaha.
Its cold.....and I should start packing. =) 2 weeks time....I shall be in Ireland.
I had been feeling insecure for the past 4 hours at very least.
Nothing happened. Probably its just cold + sucky weather + sudden kick up of hormonal imbalance.
All of a sudden, I started to think, how serious is he? Will he and I actually work out? Or is that just us like that??
I was so insecure. I spoke to puisan, who basically made me feel worst cuz she brought up the Jamie problem all over again. Okay, I admit, I started the conversation by telling her that Jamie and I basically got over and done with. Officially done with now, But, I never got a chance to tell her about the insecureness I have with Andrew.
I think Andrew must be sneezing hard tonight. On call + getting colder + me thinking so much of him. haha.
It's totally not his fault. I was the one that started the game and I was the one that eventually couldn't take it anymore.
But thanks to this insecureness, I realized who are those that really care for me. I literally put it up on Facebook, skype and MSN that I need help from my girls. One hour later, 3 of them show up. It was as though they know I need help. They decided to come online right after they wake up. =) At 1st, I thought.....they don't care for me anymore, thats why they never response as soon as I put it up. BUt....hola, oe by one....they came. By 1 hour, 3 of them appeared. =)
I am so glad. So happy. They gave me good advices. I feel so much better now. Feel so much secured compared to 4hours ago.
I guess I am a person who act on impulses. lol. Daniel used to said I act on impulses and does things based on my impulses. At one time, I did blame myself for not thinking and just act on impulses, but then, I guess, that is my unique characteristic? This is Me. This is Doreen Saw. If I don't act on impulses, maybe, that is not me anymore. lol.
I wrote lots of letters these few days. Wrote lots of cards and my card usually not only consist the words "hello dear, merry christmas, love, doreen". hahaha. My cards usually has more than that. I would write things that I can never bring myself to tell that person face to face. So, if you have a thick letter in the card, that means I thought about you a lot and I have lots of things to tell you which I dare not tell you at face --- don't worry, it is usually good things that I cannot make myself tell you straight at face.
Anyhow...
*oh god, my 'boyfriend' just texted me sweet words that completely knock me off what i want to say. *
Oh yes, back to main topic, anyhow speaking of this boyfriend, yes I recently has a boyfriend. I bet this must be the 3rd week me calling someone boyfriend. hahaha. Its complicated. I don't think we are exactly in relationship, but im calling him boyfriend and he is treating me as his girlfriend. hahaha. Maybe you can say he and I are in company kind of friendship, or maybe you can also say he and I are just lonesome thats why we decided to have each other as company. But, I guess, things are getting more and more serious.
So serious that he wants me to stay for him during CNY and spend CNY with him in London. So serious that I am actually writting love letters to him. So serious that he is planning to take time of and spend time with me in Aberdeen. So....serious or not? You judge yourself. lol.
Am I complaining? Oh no, im not. I am happy, in fact very happy. Maybe, he and I are just playing? I don't know about him, but I am definitely not playing. I know, I am stupid, putting in so much effort and energy into this when I am not even sure whether he is serious or not. But then, I missed him 6 years ago, I think I would satisfied if I try now and even if I failed, I have no regrets. People don't always come to you twice. He came to me once 6 years ago but because of some reasons, he and I were....urm, part different ways. And now, 6 years later, he and I met again and we were both, able to keep together, so, why not try it out?
I don't know how long this is going to last. But, I am going to treasure every single minute. There is only 2 endings. 1, he and I got together and haha....that is what I really wanted. But there is also the other end. 2, either he or I got new target and we found he and I basically don't suit each other, so we said goodbyes and remains friends. lol. Anyhow, just as I said, I shall treasure every single minute when he and I are stuck in this.
Was looking for a japanese friend's address today as I wrote her a Christmas card. And hola, out tumble all the stuffs that I kept tightly for Dan. Still feel the ache in my heart...but its getting lesser. I feel the temptation to reopen my old diaries and read what I wrote, but then decided, this is not the best time. I think I will burst into tears all over again plus it won't be fair to this guy that I call boyfriend. So many things......kept nicely and came out again. Sigh.
In fact, today is a day when many things happened. Jamie and I talked things through. Its me who started 1st. haha. Its usually me. I am feeling more and more guilty every time I got close to him. Okay, partially because of this guy I am calling boyfriend and partially because I feel I really don't see a future for he and I.....I have never think he and I will work out and I has always been fooling around. But he is innoncent, he did nothing to be fooled by me. So, I texted him. Thankfully everything was okay. I don't know how things are going to be from now on....but....oh well, will try my best. Afterall, he and I are going to different wards soon....should be fine even if things didn't turn out as great as I want it to be................ahhh.....should be fine. Jamie is a strong guy. He himself said he is not wanting anything at the moment, so should be fine.
Oh god. What am I doing???
Mess mess mess. I am a mess.
But, it is quite fun in a mess. hehe. Life is a mess, but it is because life is a mess, it is interesting and exciting. =)
Right, should go. Shona seems to be pretty quiet after my last text. Did I say something wrong??
