桜花姬の梦幻乐园

我变了

好奇怪，在这夜深人静的夜晚，明知明天要上班，身体也还没康复，却想写写东西。
我变了。
在离我24岁生日的一个月前，我发现了这可笑的现实。
我不再是吵吵闹闹的女娃，不再是冒冒躁躁的女孩，更不是拥有美丽梦想觉得世界很美好的小孩了。
什么时候变的?我不知道。
等到我发现时，已经是我现在的样子了。
沉静，冷酷，平淡。。。每一天微笑过日子，对每一个人都彬彬有礼，可是这是真实的我吗?也许只要有我知道。
不再轻易相信别人，不想自己轻易再受伤;
不再对每件时事情执着，不想自己轻易失望;
任何事情都抱着平淡，可有可无的感觉。
不受伤，不失望，
不强求，不执着，
我想这是我期望的生活方式，可是却觉得完完全全的失去了自我。
爱情是什么?
我不懂，也觉得若此生没有机会懂也不见得是件坏事。
是我的就是我的，不是我的，强求也强求不来。
生命是什么?
是平平淡淡过日子还是轰轰烈烈过日子?
到头来，一切皆空也。
人生如戏，戏如人生。
平淡和轰轰烈烈，有差吗?

以前的我会说: 见到自己喜欢的人，就去追吧，幸福是要自己用自己的手去争取的。
现在的我会说: 无需强求，是你的自然会回到你身边。争取不是你的幸福，只会让你也让对方痛苦而已。

在这夜深人静的夜晚，
平平淡淡的躺在床上，
我竟然发觉，我累了。
不是体力上的累
而是对生活中的一切累了。

泪流了不少
心痛了不少
对一切都麻木了

我变了，对吧?
可是，我不后悔
我喜欢这样的生活
平平淡淡，不争不抢
让该发生的发生，不发生的不发生
人生就是那样吧?

感觉我的思想越来越老成了。

为什么

Don't know why, been missing him loads lately. Out of no reason.

Saw this MV again, am glad I could finally watch the MV again. I love this song, really love it very much. Not only the MV, but also the lyrics of the song. But, at one point, I have to give it up as I felt so hurtful so much so I would cry. So, been avoiding this song on my playlist for a good old.....8months very least?

But, I guess, the storm has finally passed and I could, again not only listen to the song, but also watch the MV. Happy days. =)

Finished 5 nights finally. Not really liking medicine block a single bit. Too much hassles. But, I think I do learn a lot, felt much independant although at times I felt I am quite stupid, telling SHO every single thing I have done. =p. But, all in all, I hope whatever I have done or not done, my judgements are normal. I am not hoping all of them are correct, but at least, even if I made mistakes, they are not so much off the norm. =p

Well, enough of talking rubbish. Haven't been blogging for some time. Maybe I should pick it up all over again. *hehe*

Totally missing him....but I bet this feeling will passed. I believe it would.

Here goes the MV, I got it from Youtube and the lyrics too. =)

 

 

最重要的決定

主唱：范瑋琪
作曲：陳小霞
填詞：姚若龍
編曲：姚小民．謝明祥
監製：陳建良

我常在想應該再也找不到
任何人像你對我那麼好
好到我的家人也被照料
我的朋友還為你撐腰

你還是有一堆毛病改不掉
拗起來氣得仙女都跳腳
可是人生完美的事太少
我們不能什麼都想要

你是我最重要的決定
我願意　每天在你身邊甦醒
就連吵架也很過癮　不會冷冰
因為真愛沒有輸贏　只有親密

你是我最重要的決定
我願意　打破對未知的恐懼
就算流淚也能放晴　將心比心
因為幸福沒有捷徑　只有經營

你是我最重要的決定
我願意　每天在你身邊甦醒
就連吵架也很過癮　不會冷冰
因為真愛沒有輸贏　只有親密

你是我最重要的決定
我願意　打破對未知的恐懼
就算流淚也能放晴　將心比心
因為幸福沒有捷徑　只有經營

*hope you like it as much as I do <3 <3 * Jah neh.

Miss Him

Don't know why....

I really don't know why...

while I was walking from Union Square back home after a big shopping there,

I miss him, all of the sudden.

Yep, I miss Daniel. All of a Sudden

I wonder,

How is he?

What is he doing now?

I know he will be well, absolutely well

I also know his job will be fantastic.

Knowing him,

He is someone who don't spend time on moaning about what he got

He just work through and make things fun for himself.

He, is a coffee bean

He strive no matter where he is

 

I really miss him. Out of no where.

Maybe, cuz I have been studying some gynae books, and it brought back our memories when we were preparing our 4th year exams. Those were the good old times.

2 years....it's been 2 years.

Time flies.

I think I know

Watched one very touching leukaemia advertisement.

Finally, I realized,

there is something that is severely LACKING in myself.

And that, is

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

All these while, I have never love someone unconditionally. I mean, I love my mum, I love my dad, I love my family....but I always argue for my rights. I argue for what I want. I fought for what I want, as long as I want it, I never bother what comes into my way.

I never undertood, why father cried, when he saw grandma's body. Yes, I am sad, I am extremely sad...but I don't know why he needs to cry that much, that heart breakingly. And now I know. Because my dad loves my grandma.Unconditionally eventhough prior to her death, she created so much fuss and hassle.

I am being honest here, hence I am going to say I find grandma difficult to bear. Not only that, I find my old grand dad diffiuclt to bear. I have no patients with them. I want everything to be quick, fast and accurate. So my patience only last for a short time with them, then I would try to avoid them. And still, I think I love them. Yes, maybe I do love them...but not unconditionally.

I think I am a very sad and pathetic person. I love, but with a condition. Maybe that is why....this is me today, feeling empty.

But, now I know what I lack.

Unconditional Love.

I wonder.....how to do that?

I shall try....find a person and love unconditionally.

I shall.

Maybe one day, when I cry, that is because I really love them. Unconditionally.

I think I know

Watched one very touching leukaemia advertisement.

Finally, I realized,

there is something that is severely LACKING in myself.

And that, is

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

All these while, I have never love someone unconditionally. I mean, I love my mum, I love my dad, I love my family....but I always argue for my rights. I argue for what I want. I fought for what I want, as long as I want it, I never bother what comes into my way.

I never undertood, why father cried, when he saw grandma's body. Yes, I am sad, I am extremely sad...but I don't know why he needs to cry that much, that heart breakingly. And now I know. Because my dad loves my grandma.Unconditionally eventhough prior to her death, she created so much fuss and hassle.

I am being honest here, hence I am going to say I find grandma difficult to bear. Not only that, I find my old grand dad diffiuclt to bear. I have no patients with them. I want everything to be quick, fast and accurate. So my patience only last for a short time with them, then I would try to avoid them. And still, I think I love them. Yes, maybe I do love them...but not unconditionally.

I think I am a very sad and pathetic person. I love, but with a condition. Maybe that is why....this is me today, feeling empty.

But, now I know what I lack.

Unconditional Love.

I wonder.....how to do that?

I shall try....find a person and love unconditionally.

I shall.

Maybe one day, when I cry, that is because I really love them. Unconditionally.

Random Thoughts

Sales is almost over!! lol. I bought LOTS of things. But, I only kept few things. For example, I paid over 200pounds for clothes, in the end, I only kept 30pounds worth of clothes, the rest throw back to them. But, fair enough, I did kept my Fine Bone China Filter Mug which cost 12pounds (I know I know...paying 12 pounds for a mug is just insane.....but hey, the good news is, I really LIKE THE MUG). Then, I kept a lot of Locitane's Lotion and totally fell in love with them. So, I guess.....really, they are not a waste.

Spent a lot on food and what I call socializing too. Most of the time, I dine out with friends when I am really not hungry. But I just hang out with them....because I feel sick being alone in my flat, staring at the ceiling. No, don't get me wrong that I don't like to be in my room. I love my room. I rather be in my room than in the cold strange, small Doctor's Room in Infection Unit. I would rather stone in my room than stone in the Doctors Room. Sigh.But then, honestly, the price for socializing too much??? I am gaining so much weight. I HONESTLY need to lose some weight.

Went out with the boys today. I am surprised at myself, hanging out with the boys?? 1st time me doing that.....but it wasn't actually bad. In fact, I felt quite fun. Just 4 of us, 3 boys and a girl. I felt 'safe'. hahahaha. Each of them have their own character. Mok, the guy that kept talking rubbish and I just play along and have fun. But its relaxing being with him. Come on, you DO NOT NEED TO THINK. Just say whatever in your mind. Relax conversation. Nonsense, but easy conversation. lol. Jonan, the boss...he is the driver and definitely has his own piece of mind. No offence. I think as long as his mind doesn't cross mine, I am alright. lol. hahaha. Jackie? The guy whom I have known since 1st year and at one time even had a huge crush on. hahahaha. He is...most of the time quiet, but at times saying things straight and down to earth. hahaha. A wee bit rigid, but make most sense at all. I guess, with me, a girl who covered up her true self most of the time, trying to please every one and trying to talk nonsense.....4 of us are not a bad group. Fun. Can consider going out together next time.

Strange, my eye lid has been twitching for the past 1 week and it twitch again tonight. Maybe, it symbolise the fact that my eyes are tired and need sleep. But I am feeling so full. How to sleep??? I am so gaining weight. I starved myself whole day. Just with salmon sandwich and a bowl of soup....then the dinner kicks in with 1/4 chicken, chips, and fizzy drinks. I feel like killing myself. Spoiled my dieting plan. But.....I had a good night out with the boys. Fun Fun Fun. =)

Night.

爱一个人

经历了那么多次的失败与哭泣，我想我明白了一个道理：

爱一个人，是轻松，是幸福，是开心的。

爱一个人，当你牺牲时，对方是会开心，会感谢，会感动

爱一个人，不会感觉累

当你累时，就代表当初那份爱，已经变质了。。可能是时候回顾一下，可能，是要反省，要放手了

我想，我从来没有爱过任何一个人吧？

New Year. New Resolution

Happy New Year everyone.

I have been working since Boxing Day. Day in and day out, 9am till 9pm. Each day, when I finish my job, all I want to do is to eat and then go to bed (maybe that's why I have been gaining weight?)

New Year, I should have new resolutions.

What resolutions I made last year? I have no idea at all. Haha.

But, I think it won't be far from "hopefully 2011 is a moderate year of little tears and bitterness."

In fact, I think my wish did came true. I did have a moderate year of litte tears and bitterness.

I hope, 2012 will be the same as 2011. A moderate year with little tears and bitterness. I dont want a SUPER GREAT year. That's fine. I am contented with moderate year with some ups and downs. A little bumpy, just enough for me to pull through but not enough for me to have tears and felt bitter.

2011, is a good year. I learnt a lot, I became stronger, I became more mature. I learn new things every day, I made new good friends, so many of them that up till now I am still keeping in touch with them. I constantly climb up, constantly spread my network of people, getting to know new folks who are nice people. So, 2011, is a good year. Looking back now, I think, Daniel played a huge part and then starting job made up the other part.

The only tears I shed in 2011, were mainly for boys. Yes, boys boys and boys. I think I had enough of tears for them.I am so disappointed with them now. I know it is stupid to think so, but after 3 consecutive guys who played my feelings, I really have nothing good to say for them.

1. Daniel. He is the guy that hurt me most in 2011. But that started since 2010, extended up to 2011, never actually ends until he left scotland. But, right now, I accepted the fact that he is not the right person. I still keep in touch with him, just enough to maintain contact, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New at time, but not enough to know what or how he is doing.

2. Next up, it Andrew. Till this point, I still cannot believe he used me. He used our 7 years of friendship, made me fell for him, used me and then disappoint me. To him, 7 year of friendship worth nothing. But to me, 7 years of friendship worth a lot. In the end, he still wants the friendship, but I am sorry, I could not go on anymore. I am disappointed. I gave up on the friendship. Maybe good friends should always stay good friends and not go further, or else things changed and friendship will not be there anymore.

Anyhow. I guess other than that, just some stress from work, some high expectation from myself. 2011 is still a good year.

In 2011,

I love my job, I hope I can still be proud and say that next year

I love my family, my friends, I hope this will never change.

I love myself, and I hope I still love myself. Learn to pamper myself well.

So, 2012 resolutions.

1. Stay single for a year (at very least). Nyo Nyo is right. I am too young. I am inexperienced in love and relationship. I need sometime, I need some experience in handling people before actually diving into a proper relationship. So, casual date, don't get serious. Have some fun, but don't put in feelings and emotions, don't get serious. I love Nyo Nyo (she is my SHO).

2. Work Hard. Work hard, earn every single penny with sweat and effort. Do my job well. Learn new things. Do not be afraid to say I don't know and be embaressed or even humiliated. Afterall, it will only be once. Next time, I will know what to say or how to do.

3. Aim to get into O&G training post next year. So study hard and work hard on audit.

4. Be happy, be contented and smile always. Be optimistic, be positive, always smile and think for the good. Put smile in everyone. Give everyone sunshine.

5. Love myself and be polite be nice to everyone. Love myself before loving others.

I guess, mainly that's it? I shouldn't be too greedy or else when I look back, I won't be able to acheive them. haha.

知足 Contented

The name of this song, reminds me of what I said to Andrew 2 weeks ago. No, don't get me wrong, it is not because this song that reminds me of him, but, this is something...or maybe I should say, the principle that I have been holding on for so long.

知足, be contented.

I said to Andrew 2 weeks ago while he and I were at Dublin, I am contented with life. "I am healthy, I am happy, I have walked so far, yes, life has been abit bumpy and rough for me, but I pulled through. I have many friends, I have a loving family, I have the job that I really want to do, I have most of the things that I want. What can I ask more? I am contented for being who I am now, happy as I am".

Dedicate this song to all of you.

Be contented with life, be contented with what you have now and treasure them well.

 

Lyrics:

家家 - 知足(追梦版)
lrc制作:熙阳′眏雪↓ QQ:634012374
Twinkle Twinkle,little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky
怎么去拥有 一道彩虹
怎么去拥抱 一夏天的风
天上的星星 笑地上的人
总是不能懂 不能觉得足够
当一阵风吹来 风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷 而祝福 而感动
终于你身影 消失在 人海尽头
才发现 笑着哭 最痛
如果我爱上 你的笑容
要怎么收藏 要怎么拥有
如果你快乐 不是为我
会不会放手 其实才是拥有

家家 - 知足(追梦版)
Twinkle Twinkle,little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky

How can I get hold of a beautiful rainbow?

How can I put a whole summer's wind into my arms?

The stars above in the sky, laughed at the people on this land

Who could never understand, and never feel contented.

When a breeze of wind, bring the kite up into the sky

I prayed for you, I put in all my deepest blessing, I felt touched and warmed

Finally, you disappear in the sea of people

And I realized, crying yet putting up a smile at the same time is the most painful thing

If I love your smile

How can I treasure it and how can I hold it forever

If you are happy, not due to me

Maybe I should let you go, and that is when I truly have you in my heart

Merry Christmas/我累了

Merry Christmas, everyone, regardless of who you are and where you are.

I am acting very strangely, lately. I think my new job is over stressful for me. I just finish 4nights in a row last Friday morning and since then, my body clock has been messed up badly. I could sleep at 9pm/12am, and woke up at 2am?? Something very strange. Plus, I don't feel THAT tired in day? Meaning, I only got about 3 hours sleep per day and yet I am holding on. The worst thing is, in that 3 hours sleep, I kept thinking I am doing night shift and that I am not supposed to sleep. Any time, anyone could have bleep me and I need to response. And any time, someone could have walk into the doctor's room and I will be in trouble. Then I would wake up nearly jumping off the bed. Sigh

I am really stressful, aren't I?

Daniel contacted me....maybe, 2 weeks ago and I did mentioned once that he contacted me. Don't know why, knowing he is surviving well at home, made me feel......happy for him. Strange feelings? Yes, but that is the true feelings I have got.

Me and Andrew? Still same old friends. I was mad at him for 1 week plus and then I got fed up with being emotional and frustrated.....in the end, I made it up. haha. I think I am freaking useless and that if I don't amend this poor attitude, I will always be fooled around and played around. However, despite of that, I just could not make myself be sad and frustrated for long. It kills my happiness away and I don't want to be constantly not happy.

Went to the christmas party organized by Jackie/Hui Ling last night. Was great meeting everyone up and talking nonsense, and I mean Malaysian nonsense again with all the Malaysians. Felt so at home and for once, I am happy from the deepest part of my heart and not just faking it. Spoke to Jackie few times and teased him well and nicely. lol. Kind of brought me back to the time when I had a crush on him for 4 years. I don't know how I did it, I just managed to secretly like him for 4 years. hahaha. But then, looking at him last night, I realized, I finally could look into his eyes as a friend, spoke to him as an equal friends....and just plainly have some fun. =)

Did a bit of thinking yesterday afternoon, which is quite bad for the time being. It's winter and I get mood swings easily....but, I guess....my thought is right.

Why did I want to get into relationship? Why am I desperate in "selling" myself off? I don't know. But I think the greatest reason behind was because I am free. No, not FOC that kind of free, but freedom that type of free. I was binded tightly by parents since young, to not have Boyfriend, to not get into relationship. Then for my own sake, while I was in Uni, I personally binded myself saying that I have no time besides studies and that I should concentrate more in studies. So, sudden freedom, esp the last few years of Med School, I realize, maybe, it is time to moved on and get a life. That is when I starts to get the freedom in myself after so many years. Then things went out of control.....and I was hurt multiple times. 

Today, I realized, maybe I am still young for relationship. I am never someone who wants to get married in my 20s. The earliest I want to get married is 28...and if I get into a relationship now, it means I would have to maintain a relationship for 5 years? wow. Kind of a BIG commitment for me, man. lol.

Then I realized, all these while, I was hurt because I never met the proper guy that I think is the best for me. Its kind of difficult to explain. It is just that kind of "hmm, that's him" and that I could JUST BE MYSELF (okay, with the exception of Andrew, as I know Andrew that Long and he KNOWS the way I am). It is always me trying to make myself act as a different person. For Jackie, would be someone more mature? And for Daniel would be someone, kind of emotional and depressed +/- kelian. hahaha. Yes, please laugh, I am laughing too. Never for one, that I just BE MYSELF, and LOVE MYSELF (again, with the exception of Andrew).

That is when, I think, I am really tired. I need a break, after all these 2-3 years od being hurt and flowing tears. I want a break and just live on my own + laugh like a mad person when I am truly happy. And I think, maybe, when I am finally ready to go again, I would be old enough to know what I really want in a person and who I want to live with for the rest of the life. 

At times, I will feel lonesome and wish I could have someone to turn to and hug + let someone pamper me. I guess I just have to put up with that? At times, I would wish I wouldn't need to go shopping alone and that someone will be around to be concern of me and think of me too. But then, I guess, I could put up with all these for another couple of years.

Sounds like a plan?

=)

I want to love myself more

I want to make myself happier

I want to be a better woman

I want to be a better person in total

xx

爱你的男人

Why? Why did u do ALL THESE when you finally decided to end everything?

1. 愿意为你掏钱

一个男人如果是真的爱你的话，就不会为你去计算钱，只要你需要的合理， 有能力支付，就一定不会不答应。因为在他的心里，连你都是他的了，为什么还不能给你花钱？

2. 愿意听你诉苦

女人常常会有很多不开心的事情，在男人看来很多只是很小的事情， 甚至不值得去在乎。一个爱你的男人，会希望了解你在想什么，会愿意听你诉苦，听完你很多话后，再发表下评论，安慰你一下。

3. 愿意为你让自己受苦

年轻的男人，大多数是爱拼博的，自己苦一点，累一点，没有关系。

4.愿意为你收场

两个人一起吃饭， 常常女生最后都会说吃不下了，爱你的男人，会情愿帮你吃完剩下的。现在这个年龄的男人，大多数在家里是被当着宝贝养大的，一直都是家人付出，自己享受。如果真的很爱一个人，他会放下自己，去为了爱的人。

5. 在关键时候总会护住你

两个人一起逛街的时候，爱你的男人会走在靠马路的一边，而你则在靠马路里面的那一边，这样你会很安全。不管在什么情况下，都愿意尽量减少给你带去的伤害。

I don't know....he fits in EVERY CRITERIA over the weekend. Haha.Easily fit in...I don't know how he did it, but he just did it.

Sigh. Shouldn't think so much. Pointless.

End is an end.

xx

Change of Mood

 

Was super duper depressed this morning.

Last night, went to bed after Diazepam myself and then cried all the way. Finally, fallen asleep. Woke up at 3am, for no reason, went to grab myself an egg tart, drank water and then again, cry to sleep.

This morning, 7.30 sharp, woke up once again. You know what this shows? It shows early wakening despite of diazepam. It FAILED me miserably. I got a hard core feeling that my diazepam might have expired. Good time for me to get diazepam again when I go home.

I realized I have good bunch of friends. For once, he is right, I have lots of friends who can hug me. Maybe my friends couldn't hug me last night when I broke down, cried bitterly and was miserable. But, they supported me through. 3 of them, texted me continuosly....talking to me, cheering me up...let my tears flow as much as I like as long as I promise them I would stand up again.

Then this morning, when I woke up, listening to Elva's 错得人.....cried all the way again. I go to sleep with this song, I woke up with this song. Nae bad?

Then, yunny found me online secretly. So she tracked me down, tell me to stop listening to that song and in exchange, gave me Beyonce's Best Thing I Never Had....which totally suit me. haha.

So yea....just in case you want to know how quick my emotion changes...I embeded 2 songs here. 1st Elva's and then 2nd Beyonce's. lol

 

 

And the lyrics....don't know why, I just love both songs.

萧亚轩 - 错的人
[04:47.05]
明知道爱情并不牢靠
但是我还是拼命往里跳
明知道再走可能是监牢
但是我还是相信只是煎熬
[00:43.25]
朋友都劝我不要不要
不要拿自己的幸福开玩笑
但是做人已经那么累
假惺惺的想要逃
在爱里连真心都不能给
这才真的真正的可笑
[01:14.62]
爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲
太容易让自己沉沦
太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕
我太笨 明知道你是错的人
明知道这不是缘分
但是我还奋不顾身
[01:46.84]
可能 在爱里面这样算笨
可能 永远没有所谓永恒
但是我 不愿放弃这里面一点点可能
宁愿笨也不想要悔恨

爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲
太容易让自己沉沦
太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕
我太笨 明知道你是错的人
明知道这不是缘分
但我还是奋不顾身
但我相信有点可能

明知道爱情并不牢靠
但是我还是拼命往里跳
明知道再走可能是监牢
但是我还是相信只是煎熬
[00:43.25]
朋友都劝我不要不要
不要拿自己的幸福开玩笑
但是做人已经那么累
假惺惺的想要逃
在爱里连真心都不能给
这才真的真正的可笑
[01:14.62]
爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲
太容易让自己沉沦
太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕
我太笨 明知道你是错的人
明知道这不是缘分
但是我还奋不顾身
[01:46.84]
可能 在爱里面这样算笨
可能 永远没有所谓永恒
但是我 不愿放弃这里面一点点可能
宁愿笨也不想要悔恨

爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲
太容易让自己沉沦
太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕
我太笨 明知道你是错的人
明知道这不是缘分
但我还是奋不顾身
但我相信有点可能

*i think my problem is 爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲, 太容易让自己沉沦, 太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕.So end up, I always got hurt. sigh. Stupid me.

And then, Yunny introduce me this song.

Beyonce's <Best Thing I Never Had>

What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),
What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),
I say what goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),
What goes around comes back around...

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right,
No lies, no wrong,
Boy I must have been out of my mind,
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you,
You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you!

Thank God you blew it,
Thank God I dodged the bullet,
I'm so over you
So baby go lookin' out!

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad,
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
You turned out to be the best thing I never had,
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had,
Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now!

So sad, you're hurt,
Boo hoo, oh did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears,
I guess that's why they ain't there,
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you,
You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you!

Thank God you blew it,
Oh thank God I dodged the bullet,
I'm so over you,
Baby go lookin' out!

Beyonce Best Thing I Never Had lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/beyonce-best-thing-i-never-had-lyrics.html

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad,
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
I say, you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Hmm and I'll never be the best thing you never had,
Oh baby I bet it sucks to be you right now!

I know you want me back,
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away,
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life,
Thank God I found the good in goodbye!

[Chorus]
Oh I used to want you so bad!
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
And I will always be the best thing you never had,
Ouhh best thing you never had!

I used to want you so bad!
I'm so through with it,
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Ouh I'll never be the best thing you never had,
Ohh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now!

(What goes around comes back around),
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now,
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now,
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now.

 

Hahaha. My ji-mui is just BRILLIANT. Absolutely GENIUS. This song also can find. How can I not love them???? lol.

Thanks people. I am feeling much better. I am confident of myself, my character, my face, my looks, my body. I know I am hot and I will continue to be hot (just to piss the people who hurt me in the past)....haha. I have been living on my own independant for 3 years here and I will continue living independantly for another 3 years.

So, STOP mocking me.

Heart

我的心，好像破了一个大洞。

My heart, feels like having a big hole in it

我不懂为什么我哭不出来

I don't know why I can't cry

照理说，我应该会很痛，痛得我放声大哭

I should feel extremely pain, so much so that I would cry and howl

可是我没有

But I didn't

我老老实实的告诉他我的想法

I told him everything in my mind, every single word and sentence, all truthful from my heart

然后，我只知道，我的心很痛。。。但不足以让我哭

And then, All I know, is that my heart is aching....but not enough to make me cry

痛得我呼吸困难

So painful that I felt suffocating

但我还是哭不出来

But I still can't cry

骗子骗子骗子，所有的一切一切，都是骗人的

Lier lier lier, everything, all these....are LYING

我恨你

I hate you

 

7 Years

What does 7 years meant to you?

To me, 7 years is enough to graduate from Med School, start work, go through all the bumpy road in lifes and still surviving and be happy.

I know Andrew for 7 years. The funny thing is, I only met him once 7 years ago and then...on and off we kept in touch...until, somehow, we were so close, until somehow, I actually like him.

I went to see him over the weekend. Yes, I flew, all the way from Aberdeen to Ireland. It is not the flying part that annoys me, it is the train part where I have to travel from Aberdeen to Edinburgh to catch the plane from Edinburgh to Ireland. That train part annoys me a lot. It is quite boring to take train alone, plus it is the East Coast train that I caught, such a small space.

I think I am crazy, flying over to Ireland to see someone whom I have not seen over 7 years, someone I only met once and someone, I like just by chatting online. You think I am crazy? Yes I think you are right, I think I am crazy + insane.

My 1st impression of him as I saw him was "why he look silly geh?". Lol. I know, I know, I am super bad. But then, I also find him very cute. He is not someone I would describe as hot, he is not someone I would describe as handsome. He is not even someone that I would have dated in the past. But over the weekend, somehow, I don't know why....some part of my heart says "i want to be with him. He may not be the usual type I would go for, but, I felt safe, I felt comfy being with him. I want to be with him".

And then, the ending. Just before I went flew back to UK, that morning, I sobbed in his arms. 1st time, me crying infront of a guy, a friend. I must be so hurt that no tears come. I basically sobbed and howled. But no tears come. That is when I know I am DEAD. I put in too much of myself into him. I am so hurt, that hurt till no tears could come even when I want to cry.

And so I left. Before I left, I told him "maybe the next time we meet, it would be 7 years later."

7 years,

7 years ago, I like him, but because he was committed to another girl, I didn't say anything. I quietly pull myself away.

7 years later, I like him once more, but due to some reason, I again pulled myself away.

Another 7 years, will I like him once more? by then, I would be 30 years old. Not the barely 17 years old when I 1st met him and not the 23 years old of me now. 30 years old.....or maybe, I would have to wait another 7 years?

You don't sit and wait for chance to come tell you "hey there, I am chance"

You stood up, recognize chance as chance and seize it before it run away.

I did trying seizing it this time...but still, I guess I am too late again.

I hope, I don't need to do the same all over again 7 years later.

As though to mock my current situation, Daniel sent me a Facebook message this morning. Yes, just after I came back in pieces from Ireland. Somehow, I felt, I forgiven him. I don't felt the pain, I don't felt the anger/frustration anymore. I felt, I am ready to be friends again. 

7 years...how many 7 years do I have??

My friend is right "if a guy wants you, he will want you no matter what happen, even if the world is collapsing tmr, he will want you. If he doesn't, he will give you lots of nonsense excuses."

 

Songs

Okay...I think I am 嗮命 here. Hahaha. Yes, I feel happy...can or not.

2 videos, that he dedicated to me and I totally love it.  =)

 

 

Thats <cupid> from City Hunter. hehe.

 

That was 1st dedicated to me after my 1st date with Jamie. lol. x

Then this one..was dedicated to me today. So.......what you think? its totally up to you people. I am NAE saying anything. =p

 

 

 

Crazy

I made the craziest decision I EVER MADE in my life.

I decided to fly to Ireland....in 5 minutes time? hahaha.

As soon as the thought come into my mind, I checked with Andrew and he said yes, come....and then I said, yea...im coming.

The whole process....probably take 15mins? lol. But me straight away say yes im coming?? in 5 mins.

I don't know what is going to happen....I have NEVER been THAT crazy before. Looks like having cash in bank is not too great a thing as I can literally just spend the way I like....on impulses. Haha.

To be honest.....im actually quite looking forward to it. Haha.

Can't wait....excited to be going over to Ireland and have fun. How do I know its going to be fun? Oh well, I don't know.....but I guess, it WILL BE fun. lol. hahaha.

Its cold.....and I should start packing. =) 2 weeks time....I shall be in Ireland.

Insecure

2am in the morning.

I had been feeling insecure for the past 4 hours at very least.

Nothing happened. Probably its just cold + sucky weather + sudden kick up of hormonal imbalance.

All of a sudden, I started to think, how serious is he? Will he and I actually work out? Or is that just us like that??

I was so insecure. I spoke to puisan, who basically made me feel worst cuz she brought up the Jamie problem all over again. Okay, I admit, I started the conversation by telling her that Jamie and I basically got over and done with. Officially done with now, But, I never got a chance to tell her about the insecureness I have with Andrew.

I think Andrew must be sneezing hard tonight. On call + getting colder + me thinking so much of him. haha.

It's totally not his fault. I was the one that started the game and I was the one that eventually couldn't take it anymore.

But thanks to this insecureness, I realized who are those that really care for me. I literally put it up on Facebook, skype and MSN that I need help from my girls. One hour later, 3 of them show up. It was as though they know I need help. They decided to come online right after they wake up. =) At 1st, I thought.....they don't care for me anymore, thats why they never response as soon as I put it up. BUt....hola, oe by one....they came. By 1 hour, 3 of them appeared. =)

I am so glad. So happy. They gave me good advices. I feel so much better now. Feel so much secured compared to 4hours ago.

Love my gals.

xx

Don't Know Why

I guess I am a person who act on impulses. lol. Daniel used to said I act on impulses and does things based on my impulses. At one time, I did blame myself for not thinking and just act on impulses, but then, I guess, that is my unique characteristic? This is Me. This is Doreen Saw. If I don't act on impulses, maybe, that is not me anymore. lol.

I wrote lots of letters these few days. Wrote lots of cards and my card usually not only consist the words "hello dear, merry christmas, love, doreen". hahaha. My cards usually has more than that. I would write things that I can never bring myself to tell that person face to face. So, if you have a thick letter in the card, that means I thought about you a lot and I have lots of things to tell you which I dare not tell you at face --- don't worry, it is usually good things that I cannot make myself tell you straight at face.

Anyhow...

*oh god, my 'boyfriend' just texted me sweet words that completely knock me off what i want to say. *

Oh yes, back to main topic, anyhow speaking of this boyfriend, yes I recently has a boyfriend. I bet this must be the 3rd week me calling someone boyfriend. hahaha. Its complicated. I don't think we are exactly in relationship, but im calling him boyfriend and he is treating me as his girlfriend. hahaha. Maybe you can say he and I are in company kind of friendship, or maybe you can also say he and I are just lonesome thats why we decided to have each other as company. But, I guess, things are getting more and more serious.

So serious that he wants me to stay for him during CNY and spend CNY with him in London. So serious that I am actually writting love letters to him. So serious that he is planning to take time of and spend time with me in Aberdeen. So....serious or not? You judge yourself. lol.

Am I complaining? Oh no, im not. I am happy, in fact very happy. Maybe, he and I are just playing? I don't know about him, but I am definitely not playing. I know, I am stupid, putting in so much effort and energy into this when I am not even sure whether he is serious or not. But then, I missed him 6 years ago, I think I would satisfied if I try now and even if I failed, I have no regrets. People don't always come to you twice. He came to me once 6 years ago but because of some reasons, he and I were....urm, part different ways. And now, 6 years later, he and I met again and we were both, able to keep together, so, why not try it out?

I don't know how long this is going to last. But, I am going to treasure every single minute. There is only 2 endings. 1, he and I got together and haha....that is what I really wanted. But there is also the other end. 2, either he or I got new target and we found he and I basically don't suit each other, so we said goodbyes and remains friends. lol. Anyhow, just as I said, I shall treasure every single minute when he and I are stuck in this.

Was looking for a japanese friend's address today as I wrote her a Christmas card. And hola, out tumble all the stuffs that I kept tightly for Dan. Still feel the ache in my heart...but its getting lesser. I feel the temptation to reopen my old diaries and read what I wrote, but then decided, this is not the best time. I think I will burst into tears all over again plus it won't be fair to this guy that I call boyfriend. So many things......kept nicely and came out again. Sigh.

In fact, today is a day when many things happened. Jamie and I talked things through. Its me who started 1st. haha. Its usually me. I am feeling more and more guilty every time I got close to him. Okay, partially because of this guy I am calling boyfriend and partially because I feel I really don't see a future for he and I.....I have never think he and I will work out and I has always been fooling around. But he is innoncent, he did nothing to be fooled by me. So, I texted him. Thankfully everything was okay. I don't know how things are going to be from now on....but....oh well, will try my best. Afterall, he and I are going to different wards soon....should be fine even if things didn't turn out as great as I want it to be................ahhh.....should be fine. Jamie is a strong guy. He himself said he is not wanting anything at the moment, so should be fine.

Oh god. What am I doing???

Mess mess mess. I am a mess.

But, it is quite fun in a mess. hehe. Life is a mess, but it is because life is a mess, it is interesting and exciting. =)

Right, should go. Shona seems to be pretty quiet after my last text. Did I say something wrong??

xx

 

Hearts Dropping Every where

OMG!!

I think andrew and I are really playing with fire. But, I think we both decided, even if its fire, it's okay, we shall endure it together. Or who knows, we could turn fire into.....hmm, chemistry sparks? hahaha.

Been chatting a lot with him lately. And I couldn't stop calling him boyfriend. It started off as a joke, me calling him boyfriend and me teasing him continuosly. But now, the nickname seemed to stuck....of course not only my nickname to him...but also his nickname to me. lol.

Oh well, I can see he and I are getting more and more serious. Me? Of course I am happy. I wanted to get along with him. I like him. Too bad he is so far away.

Had a sweet chat with him just now. 2 hours just flew past like that. Gosh. And hearts were dropping every where. hahaha. Soooooo sweet. I think I am going to dream of him lots tonight.  and I have no complains with that =)

It's good to have a boyfriend. I totally understand now. lol. But he is so far away. Maybe, its good in this way as there is no way I could rely and depend on him. I won't be paralysed. I would stay confident, stay strong and independent.

Can't wait for January to come. Will meet him in London. Oh well, even if I can't go back home for Chinese New Year, at least I know there is someone that I like waiting for me in London. Could spend 2 weeks with him there, just he and I.  =)

xx

Geez...im smilling like a mad person. I am going mad soon. lol.

Antisocial

I think, I am getting more and more anti-social.

Maybe...to be more accurate, I should rephrase it.

I used to be VERY antisocial, and that must be when I am at home. I don't care about anyone else, I only thinks about myself, my family and few close friends. No, don't get me wrong. I am not selfish. What I meant here, is that its all about whether I want to go out or not to. Whether I want to have tea or not and whether my family or close friends wants to join. I can literally go shopping alone, I can go buy things alone, but I can never sit down in a coffee shop alone. Maybe....because I cannot afford to? or maybe I just don't like the weird look that people give to single person sitting in a coffee shop? haha.

Then I came to UK, things never get worst or better. I still can't sit in coffee shop alone...but I can shop alone, walk alone, sit in the park alone.Until I met Daniel, who is a very social person. I start to enjoy going out with him, going out with other people, joining the fun, get to know lots more people and whenever I think of something fun, I know who to call.

Then, things seemed to settled down as Daniel and I...sort of go different ways. I closed up myself. Maybe because I don't want to face others. Maybe because Daniel is such a social person, he is every where and that I don't want to face him. The more I see him, the more upset I am. So I avoided.I closed up myself. I live in my own 'nest' and not go out. Not even go shopping, not even go for a walk for fear I would bump into him.

Then, he left and I started work. I determined to live happily. I am happy, I am always smiling at work. I joked with people and I get to know Jamie and the rest of the gang, PuiSan, Suying, Sindhu, Shona, Mustapa, Cheryl, Peter. I enjoy their company, I enjoy being with them, even if it is working, things are still enjoyable.

I start to get things rolling, I start to be active. I started to be social again. I start to organized fun outings...this and that.

Then, I started going out with Jamie....no, don't get me wrong....I mean, going out as in he and I go out watch movie, go for tea or go for dinner....but not 'we are in a relationship' that going out. I guess, you can sort of say, its a prelude for getting into a relationship? Anyhow, so he and I started going out together, doing things together......and then he tried to get me to be more social, as he is a very social person.

I tried, I guess, I did tried. I think that period is the time when I am most social. Haha. I can literally chat with anyone....can literally get to know more people.

But then, things die down. Jamie and I no longer go out together. I guess he and I knew it from the beginning. We don't suit each other. We are different. Cultural wise, habit wise, aim in life wise. I think, it is for FUN and because it is a new thing for both of us to go out with someone of a different race....thats why we go out together. Eventually, we knew this would happen, things would die down, something used to interest us will not interest us anymore.

I mean, come on. We are SO DIFFERENT. He can never understand my way of living and I can never understand the pride he has in life. I knew he tried, I really think at one point, he was serious, he wants things to work out for him and I. I really think he put in effort to try and understand me and make me understand him. But me? I guess I just refuse to think about his effort, I refuse to try and understand him. I just.....take it as it is. As in, 'oh well, this is him....typical him". I refuse to believe that there is possibilities between him and I. I kept believing, I am with him.....because....I want to be with him until the day I got sick.

Then things just changed. I get annoyed at him calling me being nasty to another collegue. I get annoyed because he never gives in anymore, but kept taking granted of me at work. So, I am not surprise at all, that things died down that quick for him and I.

Am I disappointed? Nope. I guess not. I am just thankful that he is a nice guy, never asked much from me while we go out. And I am thankful of myself not to put in too much effort while he and I went out together. Nowadays, I still call him/text him if I have something fun to do or even a plain having tea. I think he gets it wrongly that I am still interested in him. Haha. I am not. I asked him out for tea, just plainly because I thought he might want to have tea. Just as how I would ask Puisan whether she wants to have tea.

Anyhow, life turns back to where I started. Just that, now that I am working, I could afford to have tea on my own. I am glad that I never find it awkward to have tea alone. In fact, I love sitting alone, watching people on the streets walk by, watching other people in the coffee shop chatting. I think, being alone at a coffee shop, makes me think. Think of purpose of life, think of what I want to do in life, think of 'philosophy in life" as to how to become wiser.

I am pathetic? SOme may say so. But, I think I am not. I just believe "no one would die because there is no one beside that particular one". No one could not survive because there is no other one to accompy him/her. Every individual could survive even if he/she is alone.

How long have I not shop alone? Eat alone? Have tea alone? Long.....very very long time.

I am starting to enjoy all these again. Good or bad? I don't know.

Maybe...my antisocial-ness got worst? hahaha.

恋爱

这几天，看多了清宫剧--宫锁心玉，突然，觉得好孤单。。好想找个人来恋爱。

哈哈，我想我应该是太闲，没事做吧。

看着剧里的八阿哥，那么深情对待晴川，我真的好希望，自己也能够有自己的八阿哥。 一个真心爱着自己，在我孤独时，能够给我一个拥抱；在我难受时，陪伴着我逗我笑。不需要一个很厉害，很有野心的人。我真的不需要。我想，比起那样的男人，我更希望自己未来可以找到一个和我一样容易知足，开心，觉得幸福不是只有很多用不完的金钱才可以买到的。

幸福，是当你和一个人在一起，觉得知足，觉得开心，觉得就算天现在塌下来埋死两个人也无所谓？哈哈。

我，累了。

自己一个人，累了。

遇见许许多多不对的男人，累了。

我庆幸，只是遇见他们，从来没有和他们进展过。。大幸啊。 没有伤痛，没有泪水。

望着苍天，我突然想问，天啊，什么时候，我才能够遇上那对的人呢？

好累，在这冰冷的国外，活在不一样肤色的人群里，我好希望，在回家时，能够有一个自己真心爱的人说说话，来一个拥抱。

我。。真的疯了？

太闲了。。

应该找别的事做做了。

xx

Phantom of Opera

I remembered my 1st date with him...haha, he asked me to watch Phantom of the Opera (PO). I honestly don't know which excites me more, the fact that he asked me out, the fact that I am going on a date with a guy 1st time ever in my life, or the fact that PO is something I really want to watch for a long time and that a MUSICAL would be SUPERB. Haha.

In the end, I dressed up well. I have no idea what it is going to be. Opera? But the venue is at the cinema. Cinema movie? But its showing an Opera. And usually, for Opera/Ballet, I dressed up...honestly DRESSED UP. So, yea, in the end, I decided to go in sweet style. Wee dress, with grey stockings and a shawl kind of upper top (forgive me....the cold in Aberdeen doesn't allow me to go in spagetthi tube). Put on my make up.....which is something normal, but I cheated, I guess. I put a little bit of silver powder on my face. So, if its a Movie, then its just that I have this new 'trend' of make up. If its an Opera, it will only make me looks like I am dressed with appropriate make up.

Brilliant right??  =) I know

It was a good show, really good. I think, I wasn't the only one confused, as I actually see people going in evening dress. Hahaha. Oh no, not my date. He goes in this casual type of shirt and jeans. =)

I remembered, that night, when I came back home, I was flushed.

Well, reason 1 being my date kissed my cheek *lol*

Reason 2, being the show is REALLY SUPERB!!! I literally ran into my flatmate's room, bounce on her bed and kept saying "omg omg omg omg....IT WAS SO GOOD!!!!!". hahaha. 

Now, 2 months down the line, I got the DVD version of that opera. The exact opera I watched that day. Not as good as watching there and then, but....at least better than nothing? hehe.

I still feel the same excitement *maybe a little bit lesser*I still have the same pity. I am again confused, to Christine? to Raoul? or to The Phantom?

To be harsh, Christine is actually playing between 2 men (sounds like what I am doing now...indecisive). Raoul won Christine probably cuz he is not as hideous as The Phantom. Phantom is hideous, scary, cruel.....but I think the main point of him losing Christine is because his looks.

How many of you out there, would stand up strongly and said "yes, if I am Christine, I would choose the poor Phantom". How many?

I once read a book, it says, we human pick our so call "soul mate" is because we love them. And the LOVE, is actually a beautified words of "the men/women whom we can produce a better offspring if we get together with that men/women". Meaning, we picked the "soul mate" because we realized we can produce good offspring...stronger offsprings...may it be look, may it be character, may it be brain. So, I totally understand why Christine picked Raoul.

Don't get me wrong, I am not discriminating anyone nor am I thinking I am super good looking or super smart. I think I am just a plain person, still looking for someone who is as plain.

I pity the Phantom. Phantom is a smart guy. He is cruel, but...check out the tunnels, the sounds effects, the ways he used to scares people and being 'everywhere'. How many people could acheive that? Just that, reality is more Cruel. He loves a woman who doesn't love him. Sigh. Reality pay too much attention to how you look. Tell me if I am wrong. If that fact is wrong. Then why is everyone trying to look good? Trying to follow the newest fashion, trying to wear the best makeups, trying to win the beauty pagent, trying to get onto the front page of a fashion magazine.

Christine? I think she is just indecisive. She doesn't mean hurt the Phantom. Phantom taught her well in singing, Phantom gave her her dreams, her career and because of her career, she manage to meet the man that she loves. If there is no Phantom, she wouldn't meet Raoul and she would forever be a background ballet girl. I think she is thankful, but she doesn't love Phantom. Well, if she does, the reality would said "she is just pitying the Phantom".

Raoul? Take away the Viscount title, take away the good looks but let the 'memory at the seaside with red scarf" remains. Do you think Christine would remember him and love him? I don't know and I am not commenting anything. 

I know I am harsh....yes and I know this is just an opera....so stop making myself sounds stupid and proud. lol.

2months down the line. I am stuck between 2 guys too. Something like what Christine met. No, I don't have the look nor her voice. Again, I stress, I am plain girl with the most plain looks, plain brain and plain character.

Sigh. Watching PO again doesn't help me much. I should do something better than this.

xx

 

恋爱的理由

重看了那天罗曼蒂克的歌舞剧。。感觉，还是那么地罗曼蒂克 ×笑×

老实说，他，真的是个很罗曼蒂克的情人。。非常，连我这个一点罗曼蒂克神经的女人都没有的，都能感觉到他那深情的罗曼蒂克。

可惜，今时今日，我们，还是保持那样。是他刻意？还是我无情？我答不出来。

有个朋友明年结婚，现在开始请假了。

结婚啊。。好长远的事情，根本还没出现在我的字典的字语啊。

为什么要结婚？

为什么要恋爱？

那样暧昧下去，不也挺好的？

暧昧，没有负担； 因为他不是你的谁。你喜欢生气就生气；你喜欢爱他，就爱他。。。就是那么简单。想见他时，就见他；不想见他时，就不见。因为，他不是你的谁。 你也不是他的谁

我想，我疯了。

我一直游荡在不同的男生之中。。。一直暧昧下去。是对吗？不见得，好像在玩弄他们的感情； 那你说，是不对吗？这也不见得，因为，他们不是我的谁，而我更不是他们的谁。算是，你情我愿，不需要负担，纳闷，就找人陪。毕竟，做这一行的，上班与休息时间与常人不同。。。不是想要人陪时，就找到的。

找个男朋友？那，男朋友不得空时，我找其他人，那么，是名副其实的错，还是错的离谱。。。可是，是我的错吗？我若使性子，坚持要男朋友陪，那么，又会被冠上无理取闹的名头。我退一步，却让自己难受。。。结果，是谁的错？自己的，因为是自己要有男朋友的。

所以，还是暧昧好吧。

我开心，就让这男生约我去看看戏，看看歌舞剧；不开心，就找其他男生去喝喝茶，谈谈天。但是，不要利用他们。。。他们是自由的，他们有自己的想法。没理由让他们出钱，没理由逼他们。他们不要，那我找别人。。。。。。

是朋友？是暧昧？

有时候。。不明不白或许会更开心吧？

...

Momento Mori - latin phrase meaning 'remember your mortality' or in a more understandable terms, means 'remember you will die'.

 昨天，看了一部很有意思的戏。 大约是说，一位女子为了前世的谜而到了Florence，揭开了一位伟大的艺术家之谜。

到底有多真，我不知道。只是，戏中，说了那句话 Momento Mori，不要忘记死亡。 古代，死亡是伟大的，是重生的象征，是令人开心的，是代表一部戏剧的结束而新的戏剧的开始。 什么时候，死亡，变成是可怕的，是大家都不想要的。

人之怕死，无非是因为欲望太强。 ‘我不能死。。。因为我还没 。。。’，相信，这词大家都不会陌生。

今天，看了另一部戏，我与我的太太的1778个小故事。一位作家，因为夫人有了不治之症，为了讨她开心，而坚持每天写一篇小故事让夫人读。 在1777天后，夫人撒手离世了。 很难过的故事。。很感人。

人，为什么会死？看过不少病人默默地撒手。。。舒服的离去。。。我不禁想，是什么力量，让心脏能突然停止了跳动。。。让生命结束了。

人生。。如戏。。戏如。。。人生。

人死了，会在哪里？大家都相信有天堂，有西方。。。可是，真正去过的，又有谁？

这世上，有人会embrace death吗？

我和他。。相信都明白了。。我们不适合彼此。我们的性格太强烈。。不能在一起。

我，不心疼。。。只是，难免会有些落寞。。。毕竟，我曾经以为，众里寻他千百度，木然回首，那人就在灯火阑珊处。看来。。他不是我要找的人。。他不是。 那个人，究竟在哪里？

xx

Sometime

It has been sometime, since I last wrote something. Time flies...

I had been up to no mischief, I promise that. Totally. *giggles*

In fact, I had been working hard. 1st, had my ever-never-ending 12days shifts which 1st 7 days includes Long Days and weekend, and then the 2nd week covering for Breast Surgery meaning, I am doing double work. Finally, rest for the short weekend and then start my never ending 7 days which 1st 4 days includes Acute Receiving and then the last 3 nights shift.

So, harsh life right? Been working REALLY hard, that is why I am not feeling at all guilty when I bought the Phantom of Opera 25th Aniversary Dvd which cost about 13 pounds on Amazon, then I bought 30pounds of magazine+books. Lol. Total? 50 pounds and I don't feel at all guilty. I think I worked hard and I deserve all these.

What am I going to do with these 2 weeks? I have no idea. I think I might go in to do my audit. Workaholic? I agree.

My Date and I? I think things aren't going the way he and I wanted. I don't know whose fault and who to blame. Maybe no one. It's just.......things went too fast....and then cool down fast too. Haha. Quarreled with him lots past few weeks. I guess for one thing, I am tired. Another thing, was because he scold me for another collegue who are so incompetent. He accused me unfairly for bullying that collegue when all I did was refusing to tell the collegue too much things to do. And he said "just because she is not as bright and quick as you, it doesn't give you and excuse to be mean". I want to vomit blood. 

Then, there was him, bullying me into doing too much work, I was so helpless, so tired and he not doing much work and finally, of course there are lots of people aroundme telling me that I deserve someone better than a selfish him.

So, I guess....things will only get worst from now on. Anyhow, it's ok. He and I are going to different place soon....so, as long as we don't see each other, there shouldn't be any awkwardness?

1st time, I don't feel like doing anything to save this. I can't say I never like this guy. I think I like him. I think I even considered walking into a relationship with him. But then...I don't think he deserves me doing anything. If he thinks he still wants me, then he have to do the work. I am sorry, I really had enough from him. If not, good bye.

I feel, I changed lately. Because of the quarrels, because of him being selfish at work, because of me being tired hence I get agitated easily....because of lots and lots of reasons, whenever I have free time, I will WANT to spend time with him. Which.....is a bad thing, because that makes me looks as though I am clingy, as though I am needy. I think that gives him lots of pressure too.

So I guess, I will just let go my hands from now on.

Let it go.

xx