桜花姬の梦幻乐园

Hearts Dropping Every where

OMG!!

I think andrew and I are really playing with fire. But, I think we both decided, even if its fire, it's okay, we shall endure it together. Or who knows, we could turn fire into.....hmm, chemistry sparks? hahaha.

Been chatting a lot with him lately. And I couldn't stop calling him boyfriend. It started off as a joke, me calling him boyfriend and me teasing him continuosly. But now, the nickname seemed to stuck....of course not only my nickname to him...but also his nickname to me. lol.

Oh well, I can see he and I are getting more and more serious. Me? Of course I am happy. I wanted to get along with him. I like him. Too bad he is so far away.

Had a sweet chat with him just now. 2 hours just flew past like that. Gosh. And hearts were dropping every where. hahaha. Soooooo sweet. I think I am going to dream of him lots tonight.  and I have no complains with that =)

It's good to have a boyfriend. I totally understand now. lol. But he is so far away. Maybe, its good in this way as there is no way I could rely and depend on him. I won't be paralysed. I would stay confident, stay strong and independent.

Can't wait for January to come. Will meet him in London. Oh well, even if I can't go back home for Chinese New Year, at least I know there is someone that I like waiting for me in London. Could spend 2 weeks with him there, just he and I.  =)

xx

Geez...im smilling like a mad person. I am going mad soon. lol.

Antisocial

I think, I am getting more and more anti-social.

Maybe...to be more accurate, I should rephrase it.

I used to be VERY antisocial, and that must be when I am at home. I don't care about anyone else, I only thinks about myself, my family and few close friends. No, don't get me wrong. I am not selfish. What I meant here, is that its all about whether I want to go out or not to. Whether I want to have tea or not and whether my family or close friends wants to join. I can literally go shopping alone, I can go buy things alone, but I can never sit down in a coffee shop alone. Maybe....because I cannot afford to? or maybe I just don't like the weird look that people give to single person sitting in a coffee shop? haha.

Then I came to UK, things never get worst or better. I still can't sit in coffee shop alone...but I can shop alone, walk alone, sit in the park alone.Until I met Daniel, who is a very social person. I start to enjoy going out with him, going out with other people, joining the fun, get to know lots more people and whenever I think of something fun, I know who to call.

Then, things seemed to settled down as Daniel and I...sort of go different ways. I closed up myself. Maybe because I don't want to face others. Maybe because Daniel is such a social person, he is every where and that I don't want to face him. The more I see him, the more upset I am. So I avoided.I closed up myself. I live in my own 'nest' and not go out. Not even go shopping, not even go for a walk for fear I would bump into him.

Then, he left and I started work. I determined to live happily. I am happy, I am always smiling at work. I joked with people and I get to know Jamie and the rest of the gang, PuiSan, Suying, Sindhu, Shona, Mustapa, Cheryl, Peter. I enjoy their company, I enjoy being with them, even if it is working, things are still enjoyable.

I start to get things rolling, I start to be active. I started to be social again. I start to organized fun outings...this and that.

Then, I started going out with Jamie....no, don't get me wrong....I mean, going out as in he and I go out watch movie, go for tea or go for dinner....but not 'we are in a relationship' that going out. I guess, you can sort of say, its a prelude for getting into a relationship? Anyhow, so he and I started going out together, doing things together......and then he tried to get me to be more social, as he is a very social person.

I tried, I guess, I did tried. I think that period is the time when I am most social. Haha. I can literally chat with anyone....can literally get to know more people.

But then, things die down. Jamie and I no longer go out together. I guess he and I knew it from the beginning. We don't suit each other. We are different. Cultural wise, habit wise, aim in life wise. I think, it is for FUN and because it is a new thing for both of us to go out with someone of a different race....thats why we go out together. Eventually, we knew this would happen, things would die down, something used to interest us will not interest us anymore.

I mean, come on. We are SO DIFFERENT. He can never understand my way of living and I can never understand the pride he has in life. I knew he tried, I really think at one point, he was serious, he wants things to work out for him and I. I really think he put in effort to try and understand me and make me understand him. But me? I guess I just refuse to think about his effort, I refuse to try and understand him. I just.....take it as it is. As in, 'oh well, this is him....typical him". I refuse to believe that there is possibilities between him and I. I kept believing, I am with him.....because....I want to be with him until the day I got sick.

Then things just changed. I get annoyed at him calling me being nasty to another collegue. I get annoyed because he never gives in anymore, but kept taking granted of me at work. So, I am not surprise at all, that things died down that quick for him and I.

Am I disappointed? Nope. I guess not. I am just thankful that he is a nice guy, never asked much from me while we go out. And I am thankful of myself not to put in too much effort while he and I went out together. Nowadays, I still call him/text him if I have something fun to do or even a plain having tea. I think he gets it wrongly that I am still interested in him. Haha. I am not. I asked him out for tea, just plainly because I thought he might want to have tea. Just as how I would ask Puisan whether she wants to have tea.

Anyhow, life turns back to where I started. Just that, now that I am working, I could afford to have tea on my own. I am glad that I never find it awkward to have tea alone. In fact, I love sitting alone, watching people on the streets walk by, watching other people in the coffee shop chatting. I think, being alone at a coffee shop, makes me think. Think of purpose of life, think of what I want to do in life, think of 'philosophy in life" as to how to become wiser.

I am pathetic? SOme may say so. But, I think I am not. I just believe "no one would die because there is no one beside that particular one". No one could not survive because there is no other one to accompy him/her. Every individual could survive even if he/she is alone.

How long have I not shop alone? Eat alone? Have tea alone? Long.....very very long time.

I am starting to enjoy all these again. Good or bad? I don't know.

Maybe...my antisocial-ness got worst? hahaha.

恋爱

这几天，看多了清宫剧--宫锁心玉，突然，觉得好孤单。。好想找个人来恋爱。

哈哈，我想我应该是太闲，没事做吧。

看着剧里的八阿哥，那么深情对待晴川，我真的好希望，自己也能够有自己的八阿哥。 一个真心爱着自己，在我孤独时，能够给我一个拥抱；在我难受时，陪伴着我逗我笑。不需要一个很厉害，很有野心的人。我真的不需要。我想，比起那样的男人，我更希望自己未来可以找到一个和我一样容易知足，开心，觉得幸福不是只有很多用不完的金钱才可以买到的。

幸福，是当你和一个人在一起，觉得知足，觉得开心，觉得就算天现在塌下来埋死两个人也无所谓？哈哈。

我，累了。

自己一个人，累了。

遇见许许多多不对的男人，累了。

我庆幸，只是遇见他们，从来没有和他们进展过。。大幸啊。 没有伤痛，没有泪水。

望着苍天，我突然想问，天啊，什么时候，我才能够遇上那对的人呢？

好累，在这冰冷的国外，活在不一样肤色的人群里，我好希望，在回家时，能够有一个自己真心爱的人说说话，来一个拥抱。

我。。真的疯了？

太闲了。。

应该找别的事做做了。

xx

Phantom of Opera

I remembered my 1st date with him...haha, he asked me to watch Phantom of the Opera (PO). I honestly don't know which excites me more, the fact that he asked me out, the fact that I am going on a date with a guy 1st time ever in my life, or the fact that PO is something I really want to watch for a long time and that a MUSICAL would be SUPERB. Haha.

In the end, I dressed up well. I have no idea what it is going to be. Opera? But the venue is at the cinema. Cinema movie? But its showing an Opera. And usually, for Opera/Ballet, I dressed up...honestly DRESSED UP. So, yea, in the end, I decided to go in sweet style. Wee dress, with grey stockings and a shawl kind of upper top (forgive me....the cold in Aberdeen doesn't allow me to go in spagetthi tube). Put on my make up.....which is something normal, but I cheated, I guess. I put a little bit of silver powder on my face. So, if its a Movie, then its just that I have this new 'trend' of make up. If its an Opera, it will only make me looks like I am dressed with appropriate make up.

Brilliant right??  =) I know

It was a good show, really good. I think, I wasn't the only one confused, as I actually see people going in evening dress. Hahaha. Oh no, not my date. He goes in this casual type of shirt and jeans. =)

I remembered, that night, when I came back home, I was flushed.

Well, reason 1 being my date kissed my cheek *lol*

Reason 2, being the show is REALLY SUPERB!!! I literally ran into my flatmate's room, bounce on her bed and kept saying "omg omg omg omg....IT WAS SO GOOD!!!!!". hahaha. 

Now, 2 months down the line, I got the DVD version of that opera. The exact opera I watched that day. Not as good as watching there and then, but....at least better than nothing? hehe.

I still feel the same excitement *maybe a little bit lesser*I still have the same pity. I am again confused, to Christine? to Raoul? or to The Phantom?

To be harsh, Christine is actually playing between 2 men (sounds like what I am doing now...indecisive). Raoul won Christine probably cuz he is not as hideous as The Phantom. Phantom is hideous, scary, cruel.....but I think the main point of him losing Christine is because his looks.

How many of you out there, would stand up strongly and said "yes, if I am Christine, I would choose the poor Phantom". How many?

I once read a book, it says, we human pick our so call "soul mate" is because we love them. And the LOVE, is actually a beautified words of "the men/women whom we can produce a better offspring if we get together with that men/women". Meaning, we picked the "soul mate" because we realized we can produce good offspring...stronger offsprings...may it be look, may it be character, may it be brain. So, I totally understand why Christine picked Raoul.

Don't get me wrong, I am not discriminating anyone nor am I thinking I am super good looking or super smart. I think I am just a plain person, still looking for someone who is as plain.

I pity the Phantom. Phantom is a smart guy. He is cruel, but...check out the tunnels, the sounds effects, the ways he used to scares people and being 'everywhere'. How many people could acheive that? Just that, reality is more Cruel. He loves a woman who doesn't love him. Sigh. Reality pay too much attention to how you look. Tell me if I am wrong. If that fact is wrong. Then why is everyone trying to look good? Trying to follow the newest fashion, trying to wear the best makeups, trying to win the beauty pagent, trying to get onto the front page of a fashion magazine.

Christine? I think she is just indecisive. She doesn't mean hurt the Phantom. Phantom taught her well in singing, Phantom gave her her dreams, her career and because of her career, she manage to meet the man that she loves. If there is no Phantom, she wouldn't meet Raoul and she would forever be a background ballet girl. I think she is thankful, but she doesn't love Phantom. Well, if she does, the reality would said "she is just pitying the Phantom".

Raoul? Take away the Viscount title, take away the good looks but let the 'memory at the seaside with red scarf" remains. Do you think Christine would remember him and love him? I don't know and I am not commenting anything. 

I know I am harsh....yes and I know this is just an opera....so stop making myself sounds stupid and proud. lol.

2months down the line. I am stuck between 2 guys too. Something like what Christine met. No, I don't have the look nor her voice. Again, I stress, I am plain girl with the most plain looks, plain brain and plain character.

Sigh. Watching PO again doesn't help me much. I should do something better than this.

xx

 

恋爱的理由

重看了那天罗曼蒂克的歌舞剧。。感觉，还是那么地罗曼蒂克 ×笑×

老实说，他，真的是个很罗曼蒂克的情人。。非常，连我这个一点罗曼蒂克神经的女人都没有的，都能感觉到他那深情的罗曼蒂克。

可惜，今时今日，我们，还是保持那样。是他刻意？还是我无情？我答不出来。

有个朋友明年结婚，现在开始请假了。

结婚啊。。好长远的事情，根本还没出现在我的字典的字语啊。

为什么要结婚？

为什么要恋爱？

那样暧昧下去，不也挺好的？

暧昧，没有负担； 因为他不是你的谁。你喜欢生气就生气；你喜欢爱他，就爱他。。。就是那么简单。想见他时，就见他；不想见他时，就不见。因为，他不是你的谁。 你也不是他的谁

我想，我疯了。

我一直游荡在不同的男生之中。。。一直暧昧下去。是对吗？不见得，好像在玩弄他们的感情； 那你说，是不对吗？这也不见得，因为，他们不是我的谁，而我更不是他们的谁。算是，你情我愿，不需要负担，纳闷，就找人陪。毕竟，做这一行的，上班与休息时间与常人不同。。。不是想要人陪时，就找到的。

找个男朋友？那，男朋友不得空时，我找其他人，那么，是名副其实的错，还是错的离谱。。。可是，是我的错吗？我若使性子，坚持要男朋友陪，那么，又会被冠上无理取闹的名头。我退一步，却让自己难受。。。结果，是谁的错？自己的，因为是自己要有男朋友的。

所以，还是暧昧好吧。

我开心，就让这男生约我去看看戏，看看歌舞剧；不开心，就找其他男生去喝喝茶，谈谈天。但是，不要利用他们。。。他们是自由的，他们有自己的想法。没理由让他们出钱，没理由逼他们。他们不要，那我找别人。。。。。。

是朋友？是暧昧？

有时候。。不明不白或许会更开心吧？

...

Momento Mori - latin phrase meaning 'remember your mortality' or in a more understandable terms, means 'remember you will die'.

 昨天，看了一部很有意思的戏。 大约是说，一位女子为了前世的谜而到了Florence，揭开了一位伟大的艺术家之谜。

到底有多真，我不知道。只是，戏中，说了那句话 Momento Mori，不要忘记死亡。 古代，死亡是伟大的，是重生的象征，是令人开心的，是代表一部戏剧的结束而新的戏剧的开始。 什么时候，死亡，变成是可怕的，是大家都不想要的。

人之怕死，无非是因为欲望太强。 ‘我不能死。。。因为我还没 。。。’，相信，这词大家都不会陌生。

今天，看了另一部戏，我与我的太太的1778个小故事。一位作家，因为夫人有了不治之症，为了讨她开心，而坚持每天写一篇小故事让夫人读。 在1777天后，夫人撒手离世了。 很难过的故事。。很感人。

人，为什么会死？看过不少病人默默地撒手。。。舒服的离去。。。我不禁想，是什么力量，让心脏能突然停止了跳动。。。让生命结束了。

人生。。如戏。。戏如。。。人生。

人死了，会在哪里？大家都相信有天堂，有西方。。。可是，真正去过的，又有谁？

这世上，有人会embrace death吗？

我和他。。相信都明白了。。我们不适合彼此。我们的性格太强烈。。不能在一起。

我，不心疼。。。只是，难免会有些落寞。。。毕竟，我曾经以为，众里寻他千百度，木然回首，那人就在灯火阑珊处。看来。。他不是我要找的人。。他不是。 那个人，究竟在哪里？

xx

Sometime

It has been sometime, since I last wrote something. Time flies...

I had been up to no mischief, I promise that. Totally. *giggles*

In fact, I had been working hard. 1st, had my ever-never-ending 12days shifts which 1st 7 days includes Long Days and weekend, and then the 2nd week covering for Breast Surgery meaning, I am doing double work. Finally, rest for the short weekend and then start my never ending 7 days which 1st 4 days includes Acute Receiving and then the last 3 nights shift.

So, harsh life right? Been working REALLY hard, that is why I am not feeling at all guilty when I bought the Phantom of Opera 25th Aniversary Dvd which cost about 13 pounds on Amazon, then I bought 30pounds of magazine+books. Lol. Total? 50 pounds and I don't feel at all guilty. I think I worked hard and I deserve all these.

What am I going to do with these 2 weeks? I have no idea. I think I might go in to do my audit. Workaholic? I agree.

My Date and I? I think things aren't going the way he and I wanted. I don't know whose fault and who to blame. Maybe no one. It's just.......things went too fast....and then cool down fast too. Haha. Quarreled with him lots past few weeks. I guess for one thing, I am tired. Another thing, was because he scold me for another collegue who are so incompetent. He accused me unfairly for bullying that collegue when all I did was refusing to tell the collegue too much things to do. And he said "just because she is not as bright and quick as you, it doesn't give you and excuse to be mean". I want to vomit blood. 

Then, there was him, bullying me into doing too much work, I was so helpless, so tired and he not doing much work and finally, of course there are lots of people aroundme telling me that I deserve someone better than a selfish him.

So, I guess....things will only get worst from now on. Anyhow, it's ok. He and I are going to different place soon....so, as long as we don't see each other, there shouldn't be any awkwardness?

1st time, I don't feel like doing anything to save this. I can't say I never like this guy. I think I like him. I think I even considered walking into a relationship with him. But then...I don't think he deserves me doing anything. If he thinks he still wants me, then he have to do the work. I am sorry, I really had enough from him. If not, good bye.

I feel, I changed lately. Because of the quarrels, because of him being selfish at work, because of me being tired hence I get agitated easily....because of lots and lots of reasons, whenever I have free time, I will WANT to spend time with him. Which.....is a bad thing, because that makes me looks as though I am clingy, as though I am needy. I think that gives him lots of pressure too.

So I guess, I will just let go my hands from now on.

Let it go.

xx

Fine..

Things are going fine....

I look like shit every day....and he has been taking care of me every day....maybe thought I am going to faint

He speak to me in a really special tone and we both enjoy some time out from work...even if it is just a small work to the coffee shop to get a coffee and then come back for more work

we...are just idiots...haha

xx

Dump

I think....

I am dumping him soon.

I guess, everything seems to be like a dream......and then, suddenly, I woke up from my dream...to realize, everything looks like a joke.

Maybe....

this is the best decision I ever made.

xx

Who to Blame

I got scolded badly by my patient's wife today. Really badly. Till now, I still cannot get over it.

I put the status on FB, then deleted....put on a milder version and my collegue told me Aberdeen is small, I should be careful with what I say, so I deleted it again. I honestly feels.....why can't I just release my anger the way I wanted to? What are all these restrictions?

The best thing is, I got scolded for NOTHING. It is not as if I have done something wrong. It is not MY DECISION to kept asking him to go home, readmit and then go home for a week and readmit. I know, you would feel frustrated if you came back one week later, and there is still no news about your scan. I KNOW. But what can I do? And What can YOU DO by scolding the poor resident in public? Does humiliating her speeds up your husband's scan?Do you think its like a game, the more you humiliate her, the quicker you would get your scan?? I know you said "Im not taking it at you". You know what??? I don't think you said that sincerely. You said that, but each and every single word, you are taking it AT ME, you are BLAMING me, you are SCOLDING me, for every thing that I have DONE and for every thing that I have NOT DONE.

Humiliating me will only make me HATE your husband....now I don't know how to face your husband and worst still, next time the nurse calls someone to speak to you, I WILL NOT GO. I shall let you wait. Because, I think I will have lots of things to SAY to you too if I go and speak to you.

Its not like I have not done all the things that I should do. I sent in a referral, the very next day after the decision for discharge was made. In Fact, BEFORE your husband steps out from the ward, the referral has ALREADY reach the doc's secretary office. How do I know where the secretary placed the referral and how do I know when the doc's going to come and review you before he agrees to give you the scans? What can I do?I have EXPLAINED the process but you just refuse to take it in.

Not like I did nothing for your case. I was quite free today, so I called around. 1st thing, the doc's secretary is not around. So I literally BUGGED other doc's secretary, plead them to check for me whether you are on the list or not. I even ask them to check till end of November. Then, I phoned around, to look for the doctor. I Paged him on 2 different numbers, I called 2 different places that people told me he was last seen there.....but I just COULD NOT FIND HIM. Is that MY FAULT? No, it isn't. And then you came along, looking mighty in this white coat, thinking you're a doctor, ask for me and then blasted me.....and even to tell me to leave the ward, go to the suit and find the doctor to speak to him myself??? I know, I know it is unacceptable that things fall through the hole, but I don't want it happen more than you do. But, I just CANNOT leave the ward. I am the ONLY doctor in the ward and there are 10+patients on the wards that might need me. What if I left the ward, run around the hospital for you, and then one of my patients fall ill? Did you see the sense?

Obviously you didn't see the sense as you're annoyed after I disagree with you saying I cannot leave the ward and hence there is no chance of me speaking to the doctor that decides the scan. And obviously you are angry because you see the fact that you are getting no where and I can do nothing else for you. That is why you decided to let off all the frustations you have on me. Even THREATENING me. All I did, was being nice. I said, "I am left alone in the ward. My regs had gone to deal with some emergencies in the theatre, I have no power over deciding who gets what and what is going to happen to your husband.So I will wait for them to come back, make sure they are aware of this and then take it from there.  " And then you started threatening me, saying "if you do not speak to anyone senior regarding this and GET SOMETHING DONE by TODAY, I am going to complain. This is unacceptable" ............Excuse me? Today? Do you think this ward operates JUST for YOUR husband? Do you think this ward has nothing else better to do?

I have NO IDEA why do you need to threaten me for. It only made me boils. I am someone who has a bad temper too, I boils easily too, but thankfully I have a SUPERB control power that I used it often to cools myself. But you know what??? At that VERY MOMENT, maybe you see the fire in my eyes, or maybe you decided you have scolded enough.....let me tell you, at that VERY PARTICULAR moment, if you have not decided to turn around and leave, if you DARE to threaten me once more, my sanity line would have broke and I would have told you "GO AHEAD!! GO MAKE A COMPLAIN!! COMPLAIN ME!! GO TO GMC!! I COULDN'T CARE MORE!!"

I don't know. Humiliation. Something I have not gotten for so many years. I used to get tons when I am back home, this is how we live. But here? No. I lived here for 3 years now, I learn to stand up for myself...I find myself getting harder to not just keep quiet and swallow the sadness as I used to do. I feels like fighting back.

Maybe, you feel relief after speaking to me that way. Maybe, the whole afternoon, your mood is really good. But do you know what happened to me??? If you turned around while you walked towards your husband's room, you would have seen me MAKING FACES at your back. Even the head nurse and other nurses saw me doing it....but they just smiled....maybe because they think you deserve it.

And you know what? I went back to the doctor's room feeling extremely tired....I saw my collegue there, I just feel like running into his arms and then burst into tears....cry like a baby. He was really being very nice, kept telling me to not take it personally, even offer to go and speak to you again. But you know what did I do? "leave me alone, please". I told him that....so many times till I cannot remember how many. I know I am going burst into tears if I don't calm down, if I kept talking to him and the VERY LAST THING I wanted to do today, is to break down infront of my collegue.

I heard from my other collegues that you have some other family issues, that is why you have lots of stress too. But what about me? I am not being PAID to get frustrations released on me. I have my own family issues too. I have my own problems too. Did I released on your husband? I did not. I SWEAR, being in medical field for 6 years, NEVER had I raised my voice on any of my patients. NEVER. Not even you. Because, I know the Art of Argument. If 2 parties raised their voices....then things would get REALLY hideous.

Who to blame now? Fate? because I so happened to be the only one on the ward....because I so happened decided that I can managed this....because I think I have the ability to speak to patient's family....because I so happened to not feeling lazy....because I so happened to be the most junior person? Yea...because I so happened right???

I am feeling so much better now.

Thank you.

 

Him

I called in sick today. Im not EXTREMELY sick, but just sick, sore throat and slight fever. I bet it must be cuz I am too tired, plus im starting 12 days next week,so I want to keep myself well for next week. So, I called in sick.

And, guess what,I get to spend my 4th date with him. lol.

1st date was me and I went for Opera.

2nd date was he came to my flat before I go glasgow

3rd date was he and I had coffee last weekend.

lol.

4th date? no, we didn't go any where. I wasn't feeling quite well and outdoors is so cold. So I went to his flat and we watched tv, read books, had tea and muffin. =)

I really think he is getting really serious. REALLY serious. lol.

Today, while I was at his place, stretching on his sofa, I asked myself "how come I can be so relaxing at his place?Shouldn't I be a bit more aware and guarded?". Don't get me wrong....I know how to protect myself and I totally know it is very dangerous to be alone at his place. I still don't trust him that much. But then, despite of all those, I still able to relax, me read books then watch tv, then back to books. Then him trying to make me cheer up, trying to talk to me which I only reply in *hmm hmm hmm...* plus head nodding or head shaking. lol. Then trying to make me laugh by giving me a book about graffitti. That book is really quite funny....felt better after I finish reading that book.

All in all....2hours, but I find it really good. And, its a secret, between him and I. lol. In fact, both of us never told ANYONE we went somewhere last week, just he and I. Fair enough, Puisan knew a bit about us, but totally not the last week coffee break. lol. Todays? I think he and I going to keep it quiet. I have no idea I decided to keep quiet this time.....I just want to keep quiet.

I also have no idea why am I so calm this time. I usually like to decide status.....yes or no quickly....but this time....I decided to let it flow and see where it leads me. lol. Maybe, undefined, is a good status too.

He and I. Is going to be difficult, I think. Different culture background. He doesn't understand my manglish, neither my local jokes. I don't understand some of the english term he uses....and I don't understand his jokes either. He is high aimer, smart and reliable....me? I am struggling even to finish FY1. If he is the sky....I would be the earth. But don't know why, every time I see him, this kind of 'feeling different' would disappear.

Today,I saw a buddha statue in his place, then I asked him, "what is this doing here....you're not religious right?".....and he said "buddha status make me calm, I quite like buddhism, may consider one day". I was like....."oh my god....finally, a guy that I potentially like is not a christian, I could keep my promise to grandpa now.".

I don't know myself. When I was with him.....I feel this....very light feeling of 'like to spend time with him'....but then when i am away from him....I feel 'maybe, if he and I part now, I wouldn't even cry'. I really don't know what I want.

But, I think he is getting serious. The way he looked at me.....totally show me, "i am serious and im not forcing you, just take your time". I tried look away and then look back, he is still staring at me. Sigh. He even hum the song that I like, from the opera, I cannot believe it....he really take my words seriously. lol. Stupid guy.

I really don't know what I want. He asked me out to join his friends for few times now......as in, to go into public with him.....but I refuse, because I just plainly don't like to be in crowded area...I am antisocial. lol. I told him, and he never said anything....just left me to it. Haha.

I guess....perhaps, deciding now is stupid, still early. Shall just see and let's see how it goes.

If I have a choice to pick Andrew and him, I think.....I might choose Andrew. Sorry, but that is the fact.

xx

Daughter

OMG.

I had a dream again....about me being single mother. Hahaha.

It's so real.....I actually see her face this time although i cannot remember her face now.

And....

she doesn't has a father. I remember just me and my mum, after I gave birth....I look at her face....and give her a name.

信澄...of all names, why must I name her that?? Not a pretty name for a girl. don't want la.....I want a prettier name.

But...who knows.....maybe....I will be a single mother afterall. Hahaha.

I can vaguely remember the dream.......I just feel she is a pretty little thing....I hold her in my arms....look at her pretty face....sleeping soundly.....and you know what? She has no angmoh look....so, I think the father must be some chinese. Hahaha.

so...well, I guess I won't be surprised if I end up to be single mother.

xx

lol

To You

One year, after coping up for one year......after hiding everything to myself.....for one year. I managed to bring it up and spoke to the 1st person in Aberdeen that knows about him and I.

Its Puisan. Of all person, its puisan. If you tell me,the 1st person I would tell the truth to is puisan, 3 years ago, when I 1st came to aberdeen, I would say "You are TOTALLY CRAZY".

I also realize one thing. He doesn't care for me as how I care for him. I kept the truth. I kept everything to myself. I hold every single information/story to myself, because I believe he would keep everything to himself too. I know he is leaving after graduation and I don't want to spoil other's impression of him. He has ALWAYS been a GREAT GUY in the group and I don't mind being the mad person, mad cheap useless girl who is desperate to catch him because he is rich. I kept quiet. I let other people think badly of me. So what? Think then.

In the end, he told the whole world not too long after everything happens. And I still don't mind. I knew, I heard things....and I knew he has already break confident. But I still kept for him. I don't want to hurt him. Things had passed and I let it be. I don;t want to kick up more fuss.

I know, I told whole world on my FB about me being sad. But I never say what, who and why. But you? You told the story, even to people whom you are not even close to. You GAVE details.

If I am bad....I think you are worst. If I think I need to appologize, I think you need too.

Today, I spoke about it. Not because I want to get back at what he did, but because I want to move on. I kept whole thing to myself, they are invisible burdens that suffocates me and stop me from moving on. I need to let go....and continue my life.

I learn a great lesson and I thank him sincerely for that. If it wasn't him, I wouldn't be the me today.But, I think, enough of tears, enough of memories, enough of happiness and sadness. It is time, for me to put everything down, to forget him COMPLETELY. To forget the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the feeling of "why he do that to me".....forget EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of him and move on.

He doesn't deserve my tears.

I cried again tonight, telling puisan the whole story. I am surprised. Ever since he left, I have NEVER SHED A SINGLE TEAR for him. NEVER. Because I believe, he doesn't deserve my precious tears.

But, I think I need to cry for him, just like kei told me. Kei said "you need cry, then you can get over". But I can never cried properly. Tonight, I cried and I felt so light. I felt I am able to honestly, truely, sincerely forgive him for what he did and move on my life.

I cried. I bid goodbye. To him, to memories, to our friendship.

He used to be my soulmate, but he never treasure the closeness he and I shared. I hung on, thinking if one party hung on, one day, my soulmate would return to me.

But, I guess...sometimes, things just have to change. Change for better. Maybe, this is what destiny want it to happen? Maybe, fate thinks we should never know each other in the 1st place.

Goodbye. To you. and To our Memories. I hope you can forgive whatever I did to you. I never say I am innocent. I think I am every single bit as bad as you. And I sincerely appologize and hope you can forgive me. Regardless of your decision, I forgive you, for whatever you did. The good, the bad, the hurtful. I believe its Karma. I owe them to you past life and I have return them to you now. You, don't owe me a single thing. So next life, you don't need to return all the tears I shed for you this life. You don't owe me any thing. Next life, we will be stranger, hopefully someone who met and smile on the road then forget totally.

I dedicate this last song to you. No, don't get me wrong, I don't hate you. I just hope this song can really give me a bit more push in letting go, to save myself from all these sadness I suffered since a year ago. You know from the start, isn't it? That we won't go towards what I want it to be.

If you meet me on the street, please pretend you don't know me and I shall return the same courtesy. Thanks very much. This is my last request and I thank you in advance for respecting my wish.

From this moment, we are stranger.

I wish you all the best in future.

爱我的资格

把手放了
我也许会比较快乐
我也许会换个情人
我也许不会再撑
真的够了
能不能让雨别再下了
能不能让心别再疼了
能不能不要开灯
我们的爱跟着
你写的剧本
出现了越来越多的角色
我是你什么人
如果不是情人
是不是不要
再浪费我的人生
你比我更清楚
你对我多好
多温柔 多认真
不构成爱我的资格
除非你只看着我
想着我 只有我
爱本来就该独一无二
为你伤心多一点 少一点
流下的眼泪都一样不值得
世界上那么多人
只有我 一个人
能拯救自己的快乐
不要再为你哭了

Serious

I texted pui san just now.....and pui san thought he hasn't contact me since the last date. Then she start telling me that he doesn't seemed to be bothered at all and is going for a concert tonight. Lol.

Then I told her, he ACTUALLY contacted me on Thursday, appoligizing hard for not contacting me. lol. Its funny to see a slight anxious tone in his text. Probably...because I am cold to him on Thursday Teaching? haha. I think I am cold because I don't know how to face him as a normal collegue after the date on Sunday and I really did thought he wasn't interested at all and I was pondering over what sort of expression I should give him. Eventually, I didn't dare to look at him cuz I haven't decided on how to face him and he thought I was cold to him because he didn't contact me for 3 days. lol.

So, in the end, he came to my place....just to hang out. Came into my room....look around, look at my family picture...look at my dog's picture...tease me for my dog's picture and then spent most of the time chatting with me after I drag him out from my room. Then before he goes, he actually ASK for a Hug and Pull me up to him...cuz obviously he is so much taller than I do....and give me another Huge Goodbye kiss on my cheek. OMG.

Pui San asked me just now "would you sleep with him?"

And I was stunned at this question. Lol.

Obviously, I don't sleep with him NOW. Nope, not now. And I don't think in near future either. I would say....give the relationship sometime....and see how it goes.

And, I think he is SERIOUS. At least, from his tone, from his eyes, from the way he treat me, he is actually taking things REALLY slowly...I don't know he is SO SERIOUS because he wants things to work out hence he take things really slowly and carefully.....or is it just because I am chinese? Either way, I appreciate him for taking things really slowly and carefully. But, he is a white and he will always be a white. No matter how carefully he took things....there are still things that he was clumpsy and missed out. Me? I am just going to shut one eye and see how it goes.

I honestly thinks he is not looking for someone to sleep with. I mean, there are TONS of girls out there that he can just simply get one and sleep with. Why spend so much effort on me?

I never thought he is so serious......I am starting to feel a bit scared now.

2nd date...and things seem to go really really smoothly.

Am I in denial???

xx

 

Think Of Me

I am dead. This song is stuck in my mind....so stuck ever since I came back from the Opera.  =)

莎拉布萊曼04-think of me

Think Of Me
From "The Phantom Of The Opera"

Think of me,
think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me, once in a while -
please promise me you'll try.

When you find that,
once again,
you long to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me...

We've never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but if you can still remember,
stop and think of me...

Think of all the things we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things which might have been...

Think of me,
think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me,
trying too hard to put you from my mind.
Recall those days,
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do -
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you...

Can it be?
Can it be Christine?
Bravo!
What a change!
You're really not a bit the gawkish girl that once you were...
She may not remember me,
but I remember

***************************************************************************************

Both of them equally good, equally nice....who should I say to, those words that I have bolded?

xx

Another Date

As Pui San said...

I very 'laku" all of a sudden

I got another date....hahaha.

This time with the Ireland guy.

I...to be honest, quite like to try it out with him and see what happens. I don't mind going on a date...get to know each other....and see how.

haha.

Happy.

xx

Date Update

Yup, I am back from the date.

Date went well, I supposed?

Good opera....romantic....good singing...totally love it.

Dinner was okay...just him and I looking at each other and smile. lol.

Nothing different than normal, except he kept calling me "my dear"

and gave me a huge kiss.....

no...not on lips....for god's sake...what you thinking?

Gave me a huge kiss on my cheek....

till now, his smell still stays on my hair.......hmm.

 

So...is that a yes to him liking me or a no? I don't know and I don't want to guess. I learned my lesson well. I shall wait and see how it goes.

 

Next date? Don't know yet, cuz he was telling me dolefully that he is working this weekend. He basically crashed when I told him I won't be around weekend, so no chance to even have dinner together....lol.

 

So yea....let's see how it goes.

All I can say....amazing night.

Him Cruel?

Spoke to a friend last night....after she got to know I am going on a date....and I am not someone who goes about telling the whole world I am going on a date k....it is she who I have to tell because I initially planned a dinner with her and some other collegues. I need her to cover for me.

Then don't know why, I decided to tell her how upset I am with Him, even after one year and the fear I had for this new guy. I know Him and I never started....but the feeling of being dump is there....the feeling of being hurt terrible is still there....the pain is great.

Then she told me "don't be stupid, Doreen. This new guy is not. The old guy is CRUEL."

Cruel....I remember there was once, right before I went to Hong Kong, he told me again that he is harsh, he is cruel and he is as sharp as a blade. He said, he is.

But deep down....I know he is not. He is not cruel as everyone thinks, he is not cruel as he himself thinks he is. Don't ask me why. I just know he isn't.

No. He is nae cruel, nae sharp as a blade. He, is himself, he is, someone I know he isn't.

Yes, I agree, he hurt me badly and why am I talking for him? I should hate him shouldn't I?

I was angry. I was hurt. I said things that aren't quite fair to him.

But, I never hated him. I don't understand why he did all these....but, I just get angry and never hated him.

If you ask me.....what is he like.....if he is not as cruel and sharp as everyone thinks he is.

He is...

someone who is lonesome inside himself, probably he doesn't know he is.

someone who say he is a lone ranger...but he doesn't enjoy being a lone ranger.

someone who is seeking for someone who can touch his heart

someone who is waiting for someone who understands him and believe in him

someone who is finding someone who will have faith in him no matter what he does.

someone who wants people to understands him, yet pushing every single person who wants to understand him away.

someone who keeps everything to himself....and refuse to share

someone who bears hardships and critics to himself

someone who just don't want to care what people said about him yet at the same time, cared in his heart quietly.

someone....who seems cruel....but deep down....is not. He is at pain and hating himself for being cruel.

someone who doesn't want to be cruel....yet, don't know what to do, in the end just be cruel.

someone who is lost and scared at times, but his wisdom, his brain tells him to not show it and to solve the problem himself.

someone....who cares for people. but never say aloud.

someone....whom i really really loved last time, or maybe still love a single bit now.

 

I am surprised at myself....1 year down the line....i still remember all these.

I should move on. There is no point in me sticking up to the old memories.

Things changed....people moved about.

I am just a normal girl who cannot change reality. All I can do is live around it.

Going to watch phantom of the opera.....my best friends were telling me this new chap is so romantic...lol.

xx

Date

lol...

puisan is getting too excited last night.....now when i think about it, i feels a wee bit excited and funny too. lol.

oh yes ji-muis, as i texted u all....i am going on a date. lol.

don't know what will happen....but yea....just keep an eye open. I am pretty sure nothing will happen

lol.

i can't stop smiling...

Upset

4nights in a row....I got 2 patients who died. I mean, its not my fault....I did everything I could, so does my seniors....everyone tried their best, it is just unfortunate for them to die.

My 1st patient, I felt extremely guilty. If I know he is THAT unwell, if I can see him while I speak to the G-Med on the phone, I wouldn't have admit him from the G-Med. I must say, that G-Med is extremely stupid to send him from somewhere at least 1hour away to the hospital when he is so unwell. He is a terminally ill patient, cancer history, had chemo few days ago and has severe constipation and vommitting. G-Med query subacute bowel obstruction and I totally agree with that diagnosis. But, I haven't seen the patient and yet G-Med seen him. G-Med should know better there is nothing to be done in the hospital for such ill patient except to give him a single room, set up palliative care package, make him comfy and let him die. I guess the patient knows he is not going to make it and had refuse the G-Med suggestion to come to hospital, he wants to stay at home. Yet, the G-Med persuaded the patient to come.

Sigh. The wife was SO UPSET. I know. I know the EXACT time the patient passed away. I was sitting at the nursing station opposite the room, doing multiple jobs at one time....then I heard this high pitch cry and then sobs and calling his name. I can even hear faintly the wife saying "no.....don't...." despite the door closed. My heart aches when I heard that. I felt more guilty. I feel like crying. He would have died at home, maybe that is something that he really wants to, instead of in the cold white hospital. Then the wife came out around 15minutes later, telling us he is gone. The wife spent another good 2 hours with him until she really has to go because she has 2 children at home who needs to go home and she has 1 hour journey to drive.

She was sobbing and crying when she was about to leave....I feel so reluctant to let her leave, but what can I do? I just feel extremely guilty.

Moral of the story? If you are thinking of doing G-Med...make sure you make a wise decision about sending patients into hospital.

Another patient.

I went to see her because of a heartburn she is complaining off and the nurses want me to prescribe gaviscon. LUCKILY, I was being SO cautious that I insisting of doing an ECG before prescribing, despite of the nurses telling me that they confirm patient has heartburn and not MI (something that I met previous night).

When I saw her, she was hugging her tummy....more of her lower abdomen and I ask her what is wrong. She smiled at me and say she is alright, just a bit pain. But I don't believe her and I insisted she telling me what is wrong. Then out come the story of bloated abdomen, difficulty passing urine, bloody urine, heametemesis. I mean, she has a gallstone, but gallstones don't do that to you?

Poor girl, holding the pain since 4pm and when I saw her, it was almost 11pm. Examination unremarkable, nothing in the notes from the day team and she wasn't even on the list of 'patients who should be worried during the night". Something, deep down in my heart says she is NOT right. But everything seems to be right for her. Her observations are all normal. Examinations and scans normal. So what is wrong? In the end, I went and get my seniors who also could think of no reason.

We repeated scans, x-rays bloods....everything we could. The only abnormality is a strange black blot on the right upper quadrant of her abdomen and she has amylase of 1000+, which to me, I think I have seen worst. Its not perforation, since her CXR was alright. All pointed to a severe pancreatitis and I put her on morphine.....10mg injection.....she is still in pain which surprises me. So, I went and get my seniors....they decided to give her another 5 mg morphine into her blood......which helped none again. Then again, I gave her another 5mg after I spoke to my seniors. Which, again, helped none. She was in such deep pain....I feel helpless, but nothing else can be done....we did everything.

The worst thing for me is that, I was busy with other patients, yet I force myself to go back and see her after each patients I finish dealt with. When she sees me, she would smile at me and say "thanks". She is so cheerful, I think she knows I am worried and she kept smiling at me, cracking jokes while hugging her tummy. I feel sad for myself. 

Then, I went off work and hand her over to the day team. The next thing I know when I came back is that "she is dying.", some even tell me "she is dead". I just feel like crying. All the night team people are upset. We managed her through the night, worried and busy for her.....but....she couldn't make it.

In case you're thinking what is happening, she has Ischaemic Bowel, something that we cannot do anything even if we CT her through the night and open her up.

My grandpa, he died of the same cause. I never see him dying away....I saw him when he is already dead at home....that is how painful he is when he is dying away. I wonder, did he get the same amount of pain control? Was he comfy when he was dying away? 

I am upset, very very upset. I never told anyone that I had been upset whole night, I am still upset till now. I cried, I know there is nothing we could do, but, I cannot forget her smiles, her jokes, her look when she is in pain and yet I could do nothing.....I cannot forget all her kind words to me. I don't know her, yet she is so kind to me.

I just couldn't get over it. My seniors told me to not put that too much in my mind, we need to keep going, there are still lots more that needs us. Even the nurses told me that.  I am not very attached to my patients usually....but I am still crying for her.

4nights. Imagine. 2 chest pain patients whom I get my back hurt......and then 2 deaths, both making me guilty. Then 2 agitated patients.....I wonder whose nights are worse than mine?? And, its my 1st set of nights.

明白?

Yesterday, I went for my last night of the 4 nights in a row. I was pretty upset when Pui San told me one of my patient died. Sigh.

But, that wasn't the thing that kept my mind messed up whole night.

She said later "doreen, doreen....I know that guy....haha....but, be careful okay. He is much more flirtatious than you think he is, but he is a very very nice guy"

I know, I know....I never see him in action before, but knowing him quite a bit, I never think he is less flirtatious. He has been and he will be. I would be idiotic to think he wouldn't just because he and I are in a relationship. I am not idiot, therefore I know he won't. So, since the start, I never do much, I never say much, I just let him control the game and I just play along the game. In other words, he has never really been much in my heart....probably in my mind, but not in my heart.

I honestly just sit back and relax this time, unlike for Him, I am the one doing so much, giving so much. This time, I let this new chap do EVERYTHING. I just say "yes" or "no"...

Then I wonder, what is the point of he and I being together when I have never really put him in my heart? Things are still okay now, because he and I see each other frequently, but then, when we change blocks, things would be totally different and that is not too long from now.

Am I angry? No, I aren't. Then why is this matter kept spinning in my mind? But one thing for sure, I know I am not going to speak to him for at least sometime. Not going to even reply his text. Sometime...how vague, how long would that be? I don't know. When I feel like it?

See what I meant? I am just not bothered. Because he is not sitting in my heart but in my mind.

I finally let go of the other HIM. I am surprised by myself. Pui San teased me last night, saying she knows about it too and I said "yea, I know you know....and I admit I like him...really really like him, seriously like him, never like someone THAT much." Pui San was shock? haha. Her face just stoned. I guess she never thought I was so serious in liking him.

The fact that I can speak about him, the fact that I can admit liking him to a 3rd person, is a sign that I am letting him go. The pain is fading gradually. I am not having him in my heart anymore. I could get pass a day without even thinking of him.

I don't feel guilty. I know he only left 3 months? So what? He moved on, quicker than me. I don't want to spend my whole life having him in my mind. I don't hate him, but I don't want him to stay in my heart.

But, I do feel guilty to the new chap though. I am the one playing....but he seems to be getting more and more serious? or maybe that is just his tactic in playing on??

I don't know what I want.

I guess I better stay single for ever. haha.

梦一场

梦一场

我们都曾经寂寞而给对方承诺
我们都因为折磨而厌倦了生活
只是这样的日子
同样的方式
还要多久
我们改变了态度而接纳了对方

我们委屈了自己成全谁的梦想
只是这样的日子
还剩下多少
已不重要
时常想起过去的温存
它让我在夜里不会冷
你说一个人的美丽是认真
两个人能在一起是缘份
早知道是这样
像梦一场
我才不会把爱都放在同一个地方
我能原谅
你的荒唐
荒唐的是我没有办法遗忘
早知道是这样
如梦一场
我又何必把泪都锁在自己的眼眶
让你去疯
让你去狂
让你在没有我的地方坚强

时常想起过去的温存
它让我在夜里不会冷
你说一个人的美丽是认真
两个人能在一起是缘份
早知道是这样
像梦一场
我才不会把爱都放在同一个地方
我能原谅
你的荒唐
荒唐的是我没有办法遗忘
早知道是这样
如梦一场
我又何必把泪都锁在自己的眼眶
让你去疯
让你去狂
让你在没有我的地方坚强
让我在没有你的地方疗伤

Heard this song, and thought...I really would like to dedicate this song to him. Partially true for him and I....but...the last bit is sincerely what I think.

If I know it is going to be a dream, I would not have put all my love in one person. If I know it is going to be a dream, I would not have lock all the tears in my eyes.

one year plus now....I think, it is time to move one.

There is somone who love me more than I love myself, more than I love him. I don't have much hope in him, but at least, I know he will love me more.

I think, I won't be single for too long and I shall not feel myself a desperate bitch. I guess, I sacrificed enough of tears, effort and mind on the last person. It may not be a real relationship, but,  I guess, I had a taste of a real hurtful relationship.

If you think you are that particular person, I would like to send you this last song with lots of love.

xx

My Perfect Man 我的完美男人

Gone out with my dearie Kei today, haven't seen her for 3 years, but surprisingly, we don't seem to feel the gap at all. Lol. We basically spoke from the start of us meeting each other till the very moment she shut the door of her father's car. haha. I guess must be about 3-4hours at very least?

Told her LOTs of things, from my past bitter memories to my current lost of not knowing what to do. From my bitter at work, disappointment at visa application to the fun time I had at work. =) She too, updated me on lots of her jobs, her current relationship and lots more.

She and I seemed to not changed much. Haha. I mean the inner us. Physically, she has thinned down, which is a shame. She used to be so chubby.....sigh.

I told her one very important point "he seems to like the outer me more than the inner me. He seems to like th fake me that is happy every moment, trying to make everyone around me happy. He doesn't seem to want to know the real me, or maybe he doesn't know I am totally different from the real me??"........this point...seemed to became clearer day by day.

She told me one very important point "the predictor told her that she is getting married this year, because she will be pregnant". hahahaha. OMG, I can't stop laughing when I heard this. haha.

Oh well, it was a good outing and I am halfway watching this drama.....when I totally agree with what the main character says.

" 女人啊，不要再被男人牵着鼻子走了，应该决定自己要拥有什么样的人生。如果身边的男人不够完美，那就去找更完美的男人啊!"

"woman, do not let the man lead you at your nose anymore, you should decide what sort of life you want to lives. If the man at your side is not perfect enough, then go and find a man who is perfect. "

So true, so I decided to live my life my way and wait until the man that I deemed perfect to appear, before stepping into any relatioship again. I think, that is more worthwhile.....even if I am being hurt. =)

I already have a plan in my mind....the way I want my life to be. ahhh...heaven. Studio Bedroom is my next aim =)

xx

GG-ed

I just received an email from the UK border (i mean the one in Malaysia) saying that part of my personal bank statement is not original and not notorized (aka certified). OBVIOUSLY not going to be notorirized since the last part of the bank statement is an electronic one and that was printed by my self because the bank could not produce one bank statement which is up to date enough and I read in the page saying that I can submit electronic bank stament which showed my name, my bank account and my amount of money.

So what can I do?

I don't know. Worst come to worst, I just have to get rejected and then re-apply again when I am back to UK. The only down side is I have to add another tick to "have you ever been rejected to be issued an UK visa" and I have to defend myself.

Sigh.

GG-ed. I hate Malaysia's UK border, they always make things difficult. Last encounter wasn't good as well. I remembered my last encountered with them, the officers were very strict and not very friendly. This time, things changed, the officers are MUCH friendlier, but they added this so call "scrutinize" service, which they CHECK all the documents that you need to submit and then they will allow you to submit only if they think your supporting documents are adequet. Yet, this kind of things STILL happens. Who to blame? Myself? or them? I don't know.

Honestly.....

I don't know what can I say.

I am thankful that my dad and I has a joint account which has enough money to show as proof of evidence. I hope things can go smoothly from now on.

Please please please....let things be good.

p/s: I dreamt of a patient who didn't wake up from post-op, and I got a FB message from Jamie today saying that one of my patient is turning for the worst.

I am, honestly, VERY UPSET.

Dream

I finally dropped off to sleep around 6am? And I had a strange dream.

I thought I would have dream of HIM since I thought so much of him right before I sleep.

But, I dreamt of the other chap. Someone was asking who is he at a party and he was standing next to me. What he did next was to put his arm around my waist, pull me towards him, hug me and say "i am her boyfriend.".

OMG. what sort of dream is this??

Sleepless

Haven't cried for some time....and today, my friend made me cried.

no, he didn't say anything hurting. Its just that, his story made me remember the hurtful memories in which I wish I could have forgotten completely.

He and a girl, he dare not step ahead, while the girl is stressed out with exams.

He refuse to give up, she thinks its best for both of them to give up.

He has to go back home because of government bond, she has to stay on to work.

She has a dream, he is willing to work hard for her dream. He is willing to come back for her, he will come back for her.

In the end, he let go of her hands....just because she told him to. And now, he is at lost.

I hate all these, these reminds me of the sad memories I had.

I told him off. If you really love her, if you are willing to come back for her, if you are wanting to work hard to achieve her dreams, why did you let go of her hands?

Do you know once you let go of her hands, things will change? Changes may be quick, may be slow....but if you are not careful, she will be swept away and you will never be able to hold her hands again.

If you planned so many things, TELL HER. Why did you keep all these in your heart? If you don't tell her, she never know she meant so much to you. She is not a mind reader, she needs to know all these to make a decision. What lost do you have by telling all these plans which most of them has her in it?????

OMG. I cannot believe I am crying all over again. My tears just stopped and now I am crying again.

I hate these memories that runs in my brain.

I hate the Him that gave me all these sad memories.

I hate myself for not able to completely delete all these sad memories.

Please god, if you are there, make sure my friend is not too late yet. Make sure he manage to hold her hands again before everything is too late.

God, you took my happiness away, please at least give my friend that happiness that you took away.

I wish you all the best. I wish all my tears turn into good luck, for you, to hold her hands again.

Gambade. Good Luck.

xx

 

Sex

Spoke to Chua again, been thinking a fair amount of him lately. No no, don't get me wrong that I started to love him when he found his own happiness. lol. I still like him as my best friend. I love him as though he is my brother. He is my best friend, he is my confidante, he is also my brother!

I spoke to him about my recent feeling at lost, puzzled and not know what to do.

I told him my story, in short, of how I am torn, how I feel myself being desperate, how stuck I am.

I also told him the fear in me, the scared that I have in being hurt again, of wanting to give love yet scared being hurt, not wanting to give love, yet feel probably I love that chap. 

Few people, whom surprises me, has been asking sex from me. And, they are not people that I don't know. I know them, probably few years now? I don't know what is this sudden 'wanting sex' from me about. A bet? A game? or was I so sex appealling to them? 

I just told chua everything. I haven't spoke to him since the incident of wanting to sleep with someone. He was so mad at me.....sigh, but I guess, he forgiven me now. =)

I don't know what that chap is thinking. Am I just an item for flirting, have sex then throw away? Or is he really serious in having a relationship? I don't know how to differentiate anymore. All i know is, if I don't go away on a holiday back home, probably I would have ended up in bed with him.

He has been flirting SO MUCH and been touching a lot. Me? I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel I can still take it, the level of him touching. I am at fault for flirting with him so much, so I should pay some price too. Or maybe, because I see the wish of wanting to be in a relationship in his eyes?

I don't know. I don't believe in guy's eye anymore. I got once before and I learn the lesson hard. That could be an imagination, a hallucination, maybe I wish he has that wish, therefore I see the wish.

I am lost. I am stuck. Stuck at a point which I know I should move on and yet I feels reluctant to move on.

Therefore, I spoke to Chua. Surprisingly, he knows what I am thinking. He knows so well.

Speaking to him, feels so good. At least, now, I feel safe. I don't feel as lost as before.

I think I know what to do now, the mist is clear. I just need to execute my thought.

Goodbye.

xx

Stress

Home,is no more the same home as I used to live. Back from Jaybee and felt so scared while I was there. I thought, probably its the life of the people there, being affected by our neighbouring country, which most of them, has not been following most of the rules in Malaysia has changed the lifestyle of the people in JB. But today, after gone through one morning, I felt myself not FIT to live in Malaysia anymore.

Nobody seems to have much patience. Nobody seems to not mind walking a bit further. Nobody seems to mind waiting and be courteous. All people here does is to rush rush and rush. Everyone wants to be quick. Everyone wants to go first.

What happened to my dear home? was it because I changed? I have changed into one of the Brittish way of living, enjoying life, slow pace at life, but quick pace at work. Or has my home people changed into someone who never bother abour courtesy anymore?

I felt stress. I told my mum, just this week itself, I feel I don't fit into the picture anymore. I feel I am different when I walk on the street. I feel people stares at me with one look. Strange look? or Envious look? I don't know.

I told my mum this afternoon, maybe, I don't suit Malaysia. Maybe, next August, I am not coming home. I will still come home for Chinese New Year, but unless something important such as festive seasons or someone's wedding (it depends on who that someone is), maybe I will come home.

I don't suit the weather here. I don't suit the people here.

I think, I suit Aberdeen better? lol. I am living on tea. I am living on hot drinks which my dad stared at me with HUGE eyes. lol. I can't stand hot weather. I need the weather to be constantly between 22-24 or I would scream hot. Everything, I want to hire some workmen to do. To go anywhere, I wanted to take train and buses. I am complaining Malaysia has low efficiency and I am missing my collegues, my friends, my flat in Aberdeen.

I am gone.....

since when this happen? I don't know....

sigh

Jaybee

Gone down to JB once again, this time, surprisingly feeling more relaxed than usual.

It has been a year, how time flies. I stepped onto the ground of a country which is both familiar and yet unfamiliar to me again. Brought back lots of memories. I last stepped onto Singapore with a cheerie feeling, excited to being toured around by a true singaporean, but this time....feels different, but oh well, its just a day trip, it doesn't really matter. Things change, human change as well, that is one lesson I learn hard for the past one year.

I believe, everything happened with a reason, till today, I still believe the change in attitude has a reason behind. I am obstinate, aren't I? lol. But, I learn to ignore the curiousity. If I need to know, one day, i will know, if I don't need to know, it means that shall not interfere with my life, so why bother?

Why am I feeling so relax? Because I have someone in mind?

I am still standing on the field. I don't know what I want. I am a super selfish person and I deserve to be punished.

Nevertheless, few days gone by and I am still clueless to what I should do. Hmm

Maybe, another few more days would give me some clue?? Having a wee bit of hope there.

A bit random, but would like to add on "i had a hair cut today. I finally gave up my long curly hair, maybe this is the 1st step of giving up someone. He came, right after I had my hair curled. And he gone after I cut my hair.lol"

xx

Strange

I went to temple today, not on purpose, but because I passed by it while on the way to the shopping mall.

I went in and as usual I prayed. Then I went for the bottle, it is a bottle that has lots of 'sticks' in it. Each sticks has already been labelled a number and each number carries a so call 'fate' or 'story' that is supposed to provide guidance to whatever you are praying for. So, as usual, I picked up the bottle and I ask a question which, I think, I confused the god in the temple. lol.

I don't even know what I am asking for.

I myself am confused, that is why I am seeking guidance from god

But, I am confused even by what is the thing that is making me confused.

Reluctancy to move on is my main problem. I knew it all along. Who can gurantees me that move on will be to a brighter future and not the worst? And yet who can gurantees me staying on the same point will be safe?

In the end, I got no guidance from the god. I thank the god and came out, which, I think is a fair deal. I mean, I don't even know what to seek guidance and how could god give me guidance??

Sigh.

Anyhow, am totally enjoying my shopping spree. Spent lots and lots of money. lol. Boost Malaysia's Economy.

xx

Lost

Love, has definitely struck him...

but,

has love struck me?

I don't know.

All i know is, this small period of parting, is actually making him missing me more.

Me?

I do miss him. I thought of him a lot.

But, do I really love him as much as he does for me?

He and I, totally different type of person.

Maybe we are similar in the sense of, we are merry person, we love to smile and we are fun

but, deep down in my heart

something say he doesn't suit me.

He and I will never make it out.

How long can I last resisting and yet not hurting him?

I don't know.

Give both parties a chance....

but not everyone can do so.

Maybe, a chance can turn into something sharper than a blade

and hurt the person that you don't want to

just as how the blade hurt me just 6 months ago.

I don't know....

this short vacation is good to make me think a lot straighter.

 

 

Maybe

Start work for 3 weeks, I am 'seeing' my 1st pay cheque coming to me. Phew. 3 weeks of work....honestly, I am dead tired, esp the last few days. On for solid long days (8am till at least 8.30pm, sometimes 9.30pm) for 7 days....

But, I love my job. I love to see smile on my patients. I love see them stable and then going home, bidding me good bye. I start getting worried at them being ill. I feel myself worried when they are in pain. I sometimes feel I am incompetent looking after them and I would feel awfully guilty. But, I love my job, I love my patients. I sacrifices my time and entertainment just to be with them a little bit more every day. Maybe, the next day, who knows, they won't be there anymore?

I once got a patient, must be my 2nd week, came in, chatting, she is somewhat like me, hyped, high energy, high pitch voice.....wee old lady, cheerful, telling me she can't wait for catheterization cuz her bladder is so full and that she had been sick and can't eat much. You know what? I pop in a venflon for her, she thanked me and I told myself I shall see her again on monday (that happens on Friday). When I come back on monday? I was told she got a bowel sepsis over weekend and she died.I...really am speechless. Sigh.

I thought, I wouldn't have got into a relationship so fast. But,maybe,my estimation is wrong, as it is always.

Maybe, love is coming to me quicker than I thought.

Perhaps, it is enough of waiting and wasting time, mind and effort on someone who doesn't deserve it. 1 year, no, in fact its more than 1 year, aren't I an idiot if I kept waiting for an ass hole? 

Just when someone don't want me, just when I don't want someone else.....there come this person....whom, I think, maybe, it won't be a bad idea at all.

call me desperate if you like, but.....maybe, love is coming to me quicker than I thought it would be.

maybe......maybe I won't be single soon, tmr? day after tmr? next week? week after next?

bah....I don't know. Let's see how things are.

xx

...

After one night, I think I am much calmer. Perhaps, I am honestly tired....mentally tired? or physically tired, that's why I am so irritable and not as calm as I should be.

I am SUCH a MOANER. OH GOD. Yes, I just realized it. I just HAVE to put it on FB and made the whole world knows....the worst thing is, I usually regret doing that the next morning when I am much calmer.

Sigh. Another resolution for this year, to not put anything on FB. lol.

After a good night sleep, I realized, what is wrong being a scape goat? someone will eventually have to bear the responsibilities and blame or the matter will keep running and never rest. I know it is stupid, but I do realized that once someone, esp if someone who is superior wants to put the blame on you and not on others, there really is nothing much you can do or say. No matter what you say, you won't get away, so why waste the effort to explain or defend myself? Just say once "no me", if your superior belives you, then he/she will believes you just based on that one sentence. But if he/she or even they don't believes you, even if you keep repeating the same thing again and again 24/7, they will not believes you. So, if that happens, may as well save your breath, swallow the bitterness and get on with life.

Sun will always rises the next morning no matter you like it or not. A day of work will start too, no matter you like it or not. If you cannot work through the problem, then work AROUND it.

There are so many different type of unique people out there, it is impossible to have everyone liking you and trust you. For example me, I sat down this morning, thinking the same problem. Who should I keep on my FB list that will see all my grumble in future? Who in aberdeen? the sad thing is, there is no one in Aberdeen that I can trust. Not even my fellow IMU mates who came over. No, its not their problem, its MY problem. I am someone who is difficult is trusting people. I think I am now more difficult in trusting people after starting work 1 week. So, there is no one in Aberdeen, that I trust. Sigh.

A friend from Manchester texted me this morning. She say she is concerned after reading my status on FB last night. But, she say it is inappropriate to put such things up there after i told her  I have no intention at all, just that I have lots of bitterness in my heart that I have no one to say to. She also say that I should speak to someone and she is willing to listen. I did tell her that I am having difficulties in contacting my family who is always the one that listen to all my grumbles. I usually just grumble to them and then I will feel so much better and I can get going again. But since I started work, I struggled to find a suitable time to contact them. They texted me few times saying they are worried as there was once I texted them and say I am upset because of what I got at work. But you know what? I am so busy that I only return their texts twice, both saying "sorry, pa and ma, I am busy working....i will try and contact you all soon.". I honestly know it is inappropriate to put whatever it is on FB, but I have no where else to go to, my last resort which are my parents are also not available to  me, so what should I do? If I keep it in all the time, I will burst and the next thing I know is that I won't be going to work anymore.

Maybe after reading all these you might think I am childish. yes, I am a child. I admit. I am only 23 with no working experience. People at my age in Malaysia are still having fun. Me? I am learning to be a grown up. I am ALWAYS trying to be mature, trying to be grown up, trying to be sensible. But, my brain, my mental age is still a CHILD. I cannot help it. I have zero experience in life as all my life are spent in trying to grow up quickly, trying to concentrate in studies. Maybe there are people who are 24 or 25 or even 26 around me. But let me tell you, 1 year experience is SO MUCH. Compare yourself now to yourself last year, then you would know, how big is that 1 year difference.

I am not blaming that friend who is concerned. I know she wants me to protect myself, I will get into trouble if people starting to use google translate and check what I wrote. I knew all that, I knew the consequence. I really do know what I am doing. But, I have no where else to go to.

I am feeling sadder after those texts. Not because she told me that it is inappropriate, but because I feel "there goes another friend whom I have no meet for so long and she doesn't understand the situation I am in now". I feel the gap between she and I is getting bigger and bigger. But I do appreciate that she contact me because she is concern. At least I know someone out there concerns.

Life is just strange. 30mins ago, I am still happy, smiling, doing DOTS, telling myself "you have the choice to be happy or sad, so why be sad when you have the choice? Its your last weekend off, next week you will be buried in work, so enjoy, smile and be optimistic, its such a good day." . Strange enough, 30mins later, I am typing all these, tears just trickle down my cheek one by one. I don't even know why am I crying. I honestly don't. Am I sad? No. Am I stress? No. Then why am I crying? I don't know.

I am such a child. I am such a moaner. Maybe, I really should get myself outdoors, breath some fresh air. Soon, I will be home. 2 weeks and I will be home.

Be myself. Be quiet. Don't say anything. What ever blame people put on me, I shall swallow it and get on with it. If people wants to put me into trouble, I won'tbe able to avoid it. What I can do is to manage the trouble and then get on. Don't say anything, cuz it is useless. One day, I am quite sure, one day, people will find out, who I am and whether I am worth myself or not. Defend is pointless. Esp in hospital where hierachy plays such an important part.

I got a feel, I am changing. My character is changing. But, I won't change my optimism. It is my optimism that pulls me to work every morning. It is my optimism that pulls me through each day. So, I shall keep my optimism.

Gambade.

Thank you, my friends, who contacted me because you are concern/worried.

You Cannot Please Everyone

Things hasn't changed much for me. I don't know whether I am over sensitive or what, I realize after the 'Theatre list" incident....me being up up as the scape goat......eventhough no one dare to blame me or scold me.....those reg, esp those non-asian reg has been very strange to me. I have not been given any important jobs at all.....which, is very uncommon cuz they LOVE giving me tons of jobs.

I feel, it is, in some way a good thing cuz now, it is my collegue who has lots of things to do. Last time, shapr 6pm, she would pack her things and go home. Never work over time. But now....she is struggling and I refuse to help her because why should I? when i have lots, she never help, now she is being 'trusted' so well becuase she never do any mistaken and yet let me get ALL THE BLAME eventhough she also has the responsibility to send down the list............so, she should take all the jobs which the regs dare not give me.

Yes, it is much easier life for me. I get to walk about slower, get to walk around breathe normally....enjoying my tea, my coffee, do things slower......good life. But, still, mentally wise is not too good. It is difficult and stressful to work with your seniors who has a bad impression of you not to mention one of them consultat.

Thakfully, those asians regs are very nice to me, still give me jobs.....still trust me, see I am really getting on quite okay.......so they are still friendly to me.

I used to get upset....until just 2 hours earlier, I realized, I can never please everyone. Someone out there is going to hate me any way, maybe my collegue hate me for not helping her. So, why should I bother? just keep going with my life, just do what I was told and supposed to do....that's all.

Just be myself.

Rainbow comes after heavy rain. Good things come after those that are bad. So, one day, I will have a better impression soon.

So, meantime, I will be quiet and invisible to those reg that doesn't like me.

xx

Upset

Super Duper Upset today and the weather is not making me feeling more cheerful either. Sigh.

1. One hour patient was so inco-operative, saying rude things to me Eg: CHINESE!! (obviously more than that, but I am going to tell that one bit), made my day bad, accusing me of lying, nearly fight with another patient who stood up for me.....I HONESTLY want to cry when he was so rude to me. I WILL NOT SEE HIM AGAIN TMR!!! Im kicking him away. NO NO NO!!! Let my collegues who has been laughing away take him for once.

2. Been scape goat for the Nth Time. This time? The reg said he handed the pile of Theatre list to me....which I HAVE NOT SEEN AT ALL!!!! Consequences? My ward had a row with the theatre people and My consultant was very unhappy with them.......but, thankfully, my consultant didn't blame me. And my so call Collegue? Stood away and pretending it is none of their business while I was being "fried" by other reg asking me "why did u not send down the theatre list when the other reg gave it to you?"

3. LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGGGG Day.........but thankfully I met a patient who has live in Malaysia before and he knew Malaysia food so well.....Cheers me up a little bit

4. Feeling stupid because a proper hand over was not done to me.....maybe it is my fault cuz I didn't ask any question but when I am handing over to the night person, he asked me TONS of questions. I mean, COME ON, I know that sounds VERY irresponsible....but THEY ARE YOUR PATIENTS!!!!! Don't you know them better than I am???? If I didn't do properly for MY patients, I should be blamed......sigh.

So...honestly....I am VERY UPSET. Pa and ma's sms is not making me feeling better either.

Ian Mackay's words keep circling in my head "in this 1st month, esp the 1st week, your confidence level will go up and down.....far worst than roller coster....and believe me, you will have so many times wanting to give your job up!! But don't worry....just hang on there....you guys will pull through."

You know what? 1st week up and I really feel like giving up my job. I really do and I don't think I am going to pull through. Even after I met Ian and he was so concerned, asking whether I am okay or not.  Probably my face looked sad today. Who won't?

xx

1st Day Post-Work

You know what I felt??

TIRED......

Chinese way of saying....."tired dao.....cannot say anything..."

I am lying in bed, super comfy, and my calf are aching. I honestly walked too much today.

It was okay today, was quite surprised at how supportive all the seniors are, from Reg till SHO, even consultants are nice....maybe the one and only one I met is nice...the rest??? Shall see tmr. lol.

Reg was super supportive. I am more or less CLUELESS. For example, a nurse called and say "patient vomitted and screaming in pain"....I was like....OMG...and then this reg, took the phone asked few things and talked me through all the pain and vomitting drugs for us to use. So, hola, I prescribed Morphine and Buccastem today...nice right?? Got my signature k....Doreen Saw. lol.

Another Reg was even more supportive...kept asking me 'is everything okay...under control??"....I feel shona and I did a good job, we are good patners, keeping each other in touch....telling each other what we have done and asking opinions from each other. If we wrong, we will be wrong together. lol.

I think I am VERY BRAVE today to do lots of things. I have done things that I never do before, made decisions that I never made before. For example: Nurse called about low urine volume, patient not drinking very much, and they would like fluid challenge but patient is bloated and query of pul. oedema. I was like....HOLD the bag of water......shove in a catheter and encourage drinking. See what happens and then come tell me. Lol. Not bad eh?? And then another Nurse asked "so, do you want the IM morphine given now? or should I wait till she is sore? She is on PCA". I was like "hmm...since she is settled now...let's wait and see......if her PCA kicks in, fine, the morphine is not needed. But if havent kicks in....and she is screaming again, give her, that should make her a wee bit better....or at least I hope.". hahahaha.I have even went down to Radiology to speak to "friendly" radiologist about giving a patient CTPA. Geng leh?? I franktically bring down the whole pile of notes with the patient's blood result...ready to "FIGHT" with the radiologist. lol. In the end.....radiology quite happy with my answer, but he wants to know a little bit more about patient's operation history...so he rejected my request and tell me to ask my reg to call. But he is quite happy with what I have acheived so far. lol.

So....not bad la. hahaha.

Speak to Radiologist --- one thing I scared of

Wrote Transfer Letter --- another thing I am scared of...which I am quite sure I wrote rubbish

Prescribed drugs and fluids -- Not bad, but just scared

lots and lots more.

So now....almost 10pm....I don't care...I am going to bed in 30mins time. Haha.

xx

 

1St Day Work

I am off to work....super scared....but I guess, I just have to face it. Put out my 1st step bravely and everything will fall into places. !! Gambade!!

xx

New Girl

I don't know whether you still remember the fact that I recently met a new girl who is a Malaysian that recently came over to Aberdeen? she and her parents 'caught' me and my mum in ASDA. Since then, she 'hangs on' to me.

For this one week, ever since her parents left, sigh....I got lots of messages from her. No, not text messages but facebook messages. At 1st, I still find them okay....but, later on, I really start to get impatient. She basically ask me everything she can think of and even expect me to tell her the direct answers. Lots of the questions, if she bothers to Google, she could have find them. For instance, Flight tickets. Cheap flight tickets?? Hello, I don't work in travel agent...how do I know who is cheap? Go check and I am not Glasgow Airport too, I don't know what airlines flew there. So, in the end, I have to search and tell her the answer. Until, she asked me what is aspirin and where to find information about Aspirin so she can do her project, I put my foot down. NO! I am NAY DOING YOUR HOMEWORK.

I guess, i am mean, I am selfish?? I start to tell her what to do to get her anwers instead of giving her direct answers anymore. For example, she asked me how to get to Aberdeen Airport, I said "take taxi. Go find the number on internet or if you like, find a taxi and copy the number on top of the taxi down when you go out", which is something I did when 1 st came. Another example, she asked me how to get to Glasgow. I said, get the bus or train. Go find something call megabus and scotrail, they will keep you right.

Am I Mean? I don't know. I start to feel, I am a wooden log which she found floating near her when she nearly got drown in the sea. Get what I mean? Thats direct translation. She basically 'hangs on' to me, depends on me EVERYTHING. Luckily I didn't stay with her, or I think it is going to be worst. Sigh. I felt suffocated. I feel, I need more space, more herself and for myself. I don't want to get so impatient that I shouted at her and spoil the friendship.

I have my own problems too. I have no oligation to solve everything in her life. I know, I should help a new girl. She has been here for only 1 week, she is very new and I should be more patient with her just as how I was so patient with my juniors. But, I don't know.....was it me? or was it her? Maybe because she asked too many question? even more than my juniors.....even simple things in life....like "a button on the coat fell off, do you think I can return the coat to Primark and seek a refund?"....Sigh. or maybe its me, I am growing more and more irritable when the time to start work come closer and closer. I am scared. I am feel insecure, I don't know what is going to happen in work although I had been putting some effort in shadowing, in doing extra nights voluntarily. My reg said I will be fine, but I am still scared. I don't know what I am scared off, I really don't. I have more experience in ward than my ward collegues, but I am still scared. I don't get a grip, I don't get a base....I just scared....of something that I don't even know what I am scared of.

Is it because of so, that I grew impatient? Or was it just because I am mean and selfish underneath?

I remembered Daniel. Daniel was so patient, so wise and even if I asked stupid questions, she still help me patiently. I wanted to be as patient as him. I really took him as an example in helping people. I know I am more of a impatient type of people and I have been looking up at him as an example. I told myself "always remember how Daniel helped you when you start to get impatient..." and that works most of the time. But, its not working now. I wish he is here. Then I can 'refer' the new girl to him, which i think he would be quite happy to take over (haha) and I can get some space to breathe before I take back the new girl. Too bad, a good friend is now 14hours flight journey away. Sigh. I need to learn to live life on my own.

I found out last year, I depended on Daniel a lot...because he is so wise. Hahaha. Now I feel what he feels then. Maybe he wasn't impatient, but I still get the feel of someone depending on you completely. Anyway....he is gone, so I shall live on my own. It is bad to depend......really really bad. 

How la?? I am starting work on Tuesday and I told the girl "im afraid I can't help you more frequently when I start work.". I got a feel the girl is growing scared of me because I refuse to help her directly.

What should I do? Whatever I did, am I really at wrong???

xx

 

Sleepless Night

I don't know why I am still up at this time. I cannot sleep, serve me right for watching drama when I nearly fallen asleep at 12 am, I guess the action drama sort of 'wakes me up."

Still stressed about not having anyone to swap with me for that stupid one night. I am really going all out, if I can't go back, means its fated for me not to go back. But, is it really THAT easy for me to take it in and accept it as it is?? I don't know.

Been telling myself not to be mad of Pui San lately. She promised earlier that she can do it for me....but then changed to cannot....and then changed back again to can......and finally tells me she has to go back and persuade her mum to get an operation. I know, I shouldn't be angry or upset or blame her. I really shouldn't. Not like she is going home for fun, she has something important to do while I have nothing THAT important. Yet, as time goes on.....I am feeling more and more upset with her, blaming her more and more when my disappointment on the hand grows higher and higher.

I guess, I am just a normal human, am I?

I just sent an email to the people upstairs, meaning, ward 33 and 34. I am quite reluctant to do 33 and 34 as their nights cover so much more and it would be quite unfair for me to do their work. But, I guess, I am kind of desperate.....so I shouldn't be picky. I should be contented if one of them are willing to swap with me.

Sigh....

I should go to bed.....

Will I stare at the window tonight and look at it dawn?? I don't know.....

tmr, is my last weekend.....and then, no more nice weekend.

I will treasure it.

xx

 

Wise Advices

Saw these at my friend's FB pictures. Think they are quite true......esp the last one...

1. what doesn't kill you only make you stronger; but dont die trying to improve yourself, you are perfect the way you are and nobody can tell you different

*he used to kept telling me the 1st part....but you know what? I love the last part and not the 1st part.* I am PERFECT the way I am and if he doesn't treasure, its his lost!!

 

2. if a kiss was a raindrop, I'd send you a shower

if a hug was a second, I'd send you an hour

if a smile was a water, I'd send you the sea

if you needed love,I'd send you me.

*kind of sweet, don't you think?*

 

3. When nothing goes right, go left

*this is kind of funny....hahaha, yea, nothing is right then all of them are definitely left. lol*

 

4. so many people tell you that you can't, all you need to do is turn around and say  'watch me"

*surprised surprised, Justin Bieber said this....so wise of him. Yup, I recently did this. A patient kept telling me that I won't be getting any blood from him. And I said "watch..." and I got it!!

 

5. Cinderalla: walked on broken glass

Sleeping Beauty: let a lifetime pass

Belle: fell in love with a beast

Jasmine: chose a poor man

Ariel: spent her life on land.

We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly

*kind of true, they picked the hardest person (if beast is counted as a person) to love instead of easy people....I wonder why girls always go after guys that are hard to love. Even the same happened to me. There are tons of boys out there, in which few are just waiting for me and yet I go for the hard one?? I am strange la..*

 

6. Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about

* love this...totally...*

7. If you dream about a person, it shows the person went to bed thinking of you or also dream of you.

*i wish this is true....dreamt of him few times now...lol*

 

Today, a guy asked me to go beach with him, just HIM and ME. I can't help thinking, does he carry any "special" meaning? Or was it just be thinking too much, maybe he just want to go to beach and so happened no one wants to go?? But, I guess, maybe....the time is not right. (neither is left...if you decided to feel funny). I don't mind going with him la. What can happen?? hahaha. But, time is going to be difficult....I will only be home for 3 weeks and if possible, I want to spend with my family. He is going back home soon and I know I won't be seeing him much. But still...haihz.

Today, just few hours ago, an angmoh guy came to my place to fix the wardrobe. OMG. I didn't know the wardrobe is so difficult to put it up. I started to wonder, why, in Aberdeen, there is NO ASIAN GUY that knows how to set up a wardrobe?? Hmm. Perhaps, I really should go after an angmoh la. haha. i find angmoh guys quite like me....hehehehe.

Ok la...enough fo crapping...my biceps and triceps are aching. I should go sleep.

xx

 

Messed Up Body Clock

Been working 2 nights with Justine recently and that messed up my body clock. Lol.

Imagine, after 1st night, I came back and only slept 4 hours......then followed by 2nd night. Trust me, luckily the 2nd night was SO BUSY (till I don't have time to feel tired until about 6am when things settled down), or I would have fallen asleep. After the 2nd night, 4 of us (justine, Karl and mok mok) went for breakfast. To be honest, I have no idea what is going on....I just know I drank a cup of soya bean and then take away my fav Udon Belacan. Came back, straight away fallen into my sweet bed and not awake till 7pm. haha. I guess I must have slept from around 10am or maybe earlier??

So, last night, I couldn't sleep at all. I finally go into sweet dreamland at 8am this morning....lol. Body clock so messed up. And awake at 1pm when Thrance woke me.

I wonder, what time will I sleep tonight?lol.

Nights were good. At least now I know how receiving nights, when you stand alone with your senior who is also busy........I mean, help will be available...but, most of the time, you just have to keep going and know what to do. I learn a lot from doing nights. My blood taking skills is back to 100% sucess rate. haha. Aiyo, nurses in Oncology ward call me Butterfly Queen okay....don't play play ah (spoke in a Singaporean Pasar Aunty way, lol).

Few more days to go before I dive into the DEEP END (thrance taught me this). Actually, I don't think its DEEP END, I think, it is just a start of my long career run. Medcine is a LIFELONG learning career. There is no point at which is an end. There is NO END. You just kept going, kept working, kept trying until you retire. Therefore, there really is NO POINT in working TOO HARD, pushing and stressing yourself too badly. Honestly, 40years of career life, or maybe longer, are you going to be stressed for the whole 40-50 or even 60 years??? Come on, if you are, then you are high risk for Heart Attack (type A Personality). lol. So, take it as it is. Definitely will get scolded. Definitely will get sarcasm. But just bear in mind that everyone has mood. Good mood and bad mood. Even nurses. I realize some of the medical doctors forgot nurses has moods too. If the nurses are sarcastic, they will try and be sarcastic back so that they win. Come on, whats the point? If you win, you show the nurse that you are superior isit? Or you have more pride?

Maybe I am just talking BIG here. Who knows, maybe few weeks down the line, I will be the same, arguing and nurses calling them stupid behind their backs. I hope not. I will try and be nice to everyone and communicate properly with them. I want to be one of the pets of the nurses. lol. Don't get me wrong that I am not going to stand up for what is improper, no. But, I want to be nice to them and hopefully be their blue eye girl. You know what?? Nurses are SUPER EXPERIENCE. There is no way of getting on their wrong books. You are going to land yourself into bad shit. So, why go against them? If they scold you....try to speak properly to them...if not, swallow it. I am sure they will know who is good people ad who is bad people after some time. Time will show.

So.....

I am now still struggling to find someone to cover for my one night. Sigh. Hopefully...please please please....let me find someone that can do my one night.

I want to go home.

I really want to. I miss KL, I miss Kedah, I miss JB. I want to go shopping in JB. hehe. Maybe, I shall drop by Singapore too. Haven't been to Bugis before, Thrance told me that's Shopping Heaven. =)

Pray Hard, hope I get someone to cover for me.......please please please...

xx

Nothing to write

It is as though mum brought all my idea in writting with her back home....I am left with nothing in mind to write.

Today, Puisan texted me telling me that she couldn't help me with a night....looks like I am not going to be able to go home. Sigh.

I don't know what is going to happen, but, just take life as it is. Live the moment, seize the day, worry others later and think later. Sounds like I am running away from problem?? Maybe I am, but, the disappointment of not able to go home is too huge for me to carry.

A well known monk said "to get enlightment, a person needs not to worry about the past, not to worry about future....but to live the current moment and be happy."

I am....just following what that monk said. Isn't that right?

I should go to bed. Tmr is the day for me to do nights.

xx

Song that made me cry....

Mum went back today and I had been streaming lots and lots of songs......

until....this. Made me cry

 

I Dream

I had an amazing dream....

was it a dream? I don't know...

I don't feel I was asleep....I felt I am sort of 'in between' sleep and reality....and then I saw all these.

I start to doubt...whether liking him is a right move or not.....because the dream shows i am with a different person. lol.

but, I must say it is an amazing dream. Ahh...even when I don't know the chap. hahaha. Even when I slept at around 5am?? lol.

Hope I get another good dream tonight....

mummy going home tmr...haihz.

But,

I am going home in Aug. Yay!!

New Friend...

I swear, it is just a NORMAL day this morning. I never thought such happy thing would happened to me in the afternoon.

I went to bed really 'early' this morning, must be around 2am, snuggling into my mum's arm (hehe), my mum was awake....so she and I had a bit of chit chat and it was so good to sleep in mummy's arm again after 20years? haha.

When I wake up, sun was shinning brightly. I told myself "doreen, there is nothing out there to stop you except yourself. You can do it!! Just believe in yourself, you believe you can, then you can. So, just GO ON!!". I was so energetic and full of motivation. Haha.

Then, mum and I cooked....and then we went to Charity shop, bought a sweet set of tea cups (looks like for once, I am going to bring something really FRAGILE in my luggage home this trip), and finally, we board the bus to ASDA.

Everything was so normal. As normal as it could be. We shopped, we bought lots of food, argue over the concealer, me teasing mum over the amount of cheese cakes she had eaten over the 3 week stay.......every thing was SO NORMAL. Until, we went up and I was looking for a SIEVE. Yea man, a SIEVE, very normal thing right?? And hola....there was a chinese family standing right infront of the row where the sieve is quietly hanging.

Nothing wrong with the chinese family....still quite normal to see a chinese family in Aberdeen ASDA esp when now, graduating season....very normal. This family consist of a dad, a mum and a daughter and they were obviously discussing what sort of cooking appliances to buy......still very normal.Then, just before my mum and I left, suddenly the mum of that family approached my mum and everything turned NOT NORMAL.

So, the story was a very common story "daughter 1st time coming to Aberdeen, dad and mum very worried daughter dont know how to take care of her own self...and seek advice". VERY COMMON scenario. What is not common is, this time, the daughter is not studying in Uni of Aberdeen, none Medic. Instead, she is studying in RGU, pharmacy 1st year. Hmm.

The mum has LOTS of question, from WHAT IS A DUVET, where to find the cover, where to find good winter clothes (despite now being summer) to where to find a good pair of good winter boots. Sigh. I think I must have spent like 45mins to 1 hour explaining things to them. I tried to give them direction to New Look, Clarks, Jane Norman, Matthews, but was no good, because the daughter only know TravelLodge, McDonalds and KFC. Sigh. How good was that? In the end, my mum, being too overly friendly, told them "ahh, i am leaving on Saturday, how about Doreen bringing you 3 around Aberdeen on Sunday??".

Geezzz....you just CANNOT SAY NO when you mum had said such thing right?? looks like I am going to have a full weekend this week. Sigh.

So yea, that girl took my num, took my facebook.....apparently the dad took my mum's mobile phone, house phone and house address too. lol.

What a way to get to know a new friend. lol. I am so glad to know a new friend. I recently lost one cuz he went home, and hola, fate is keeping my life interesting by giving me this new friend. 

Somehow, don't know why, I got a feel, this girl plays an important role in my future life. Good? Bad? I don't know, no idea. But, I just feel, I need to know this girl. Fate has decided this is the right time to meet her and she will help me acheiving my dream.

Strange. Very strange. The mum kept saying "ahh, we are so lucky to meet you in ASDA, I was thinking where do all the Malaysian in Aberdeen hide....small number it could be, but Malaysian would still be walking around...and I found you. We are so so lucky.".

I really can't help thinking....all these feels very strange. Very NOT-NORMAL. No, not abnormal, abnormal always gives us a negative impression but this is not a negative thing. I can only use the word Not-Normal instead of abnormal.

What is that feeling between her and me? I felt I have seen her many many many times. So familar yet I really don't know her. What is going to happened between she and I? i have no idea, but I am excited to see.

The best thing of the day???

No, not buying lots of things from ASDA

No, not getting a decent weighing scale from ASDA,

No, not getting 3 bottles of wine from ASDA

No, not because mum got a pretty tea cup set from Cancer Research.

No, not because many guys look at me today...maybe cuz I am pretty?(hehe)

No no....you won't get it....

But..........

I AM GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yay!!!!!!!!!

The rota had been re-send to all of us and there is no change. Instead of the 9 FY1s each ward, there will be 10 again cuz they are going to get 2 FY1s before people start work.

So....my plan is still going to be in place!!!

I AM...

I am...

I am...

I AM GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! muahahahahaha~~

la, lala, lalala, lalalala,lalalalala,lalalalalala,lalalalalalala,lalalalalalalala!!!!!!!

I sing, I dance, I run around!! I am so happy!!!!!!

xxxx

Change

I used to tell a friend, "when you truly love a person, you will not ask the person to change nor will you let the person to change his/her original character. It is because of the Original Character that you love and not because you love the person so you change change him/her."

Today, I would like to take back my words.

I think, the part where you should not ask a person to change still stands, but not the later part.

Human are complicating species and I truly agree with it. Human changes with time, changes with age, changes with different enviroment expoure and also changes with people that the particular human mix with. One word, Human are FLEXIBLE.

Today, I think, if you love a person, you would not ask a person to change. But, if both parties are serious about each other and wants the relationship to last, each party will definitely have to change.

Ask you pa and ma. Were they who they are now, when they 1st met. I dare you 100pounds that they would say no. It is because both parties wanting to stay with each other, let the relationship flow as long as they could, they both changed. Maybe, none of them asked the opposite party to change, but, somehow, the urge to change will appear in their own mind, Maybe, it could be due to a fight, maybe it could be cuz they saw what happened to other couples.....too many maybe. But, the fact is, they changed willingly, voluntarily and today, they do not regret changing. In fact, they are thankful that they changed and are willing for such change to be a permanent thing.

I really should say sorry to that friend. Maybe I am thinking too highly of myself, maybe that friend didn't even put whatever I said that night into his mind. Anyhow, I appologizes here, if he did put those in mind.

Human are like puzzles, each are of a different piece. Maybe, to describe more accurately, human are a round sphere that lack just one piece, be it a triangle or square piece that is lacking. When 2 spheres want to fit nicely together, they will eventually have to rub off those extra corners that each of them have.

When you love a person, you won't ask a person to change for you, because it is their original character that you love. But, you might change yourself to fit them. And, the amazing part is, you changed voluntarily, happily and willingly. You don't regret, until your love for the other person runs out. Then you might regret and you will met another person that you willingly change again. And the whole cycle starts again.Until the day, you decided that you don't want the love to run out, you won't let the love runs out.......that is then, you never regret that you ever changed.

Human.....are complicating.

I just realized, loving that boy, I changed too.......maybe he and I never started, which is the saddest part in relationship world, but I dare say, I love him and I changed quite a bit too. I don't know when will I regret changing....I don't know when will I feel frustrated because I changed.....maybe, the day when I meet a new guy and fall in love all over again. 

xx

I am always so philosophical at early morning when everyone is in bed. I should be in bed too. hmm. 

 

Bitter

Don't know why.....

listening to mum's snoring next beside me made me feel sad. Sigh. Why good time always flies?

watched mum packed just now....was wishing I am going home too. But, there are work to do. Sigh.

Oh well....《if I believe I can, I can》 - Pygmalion effect.

I will believe I can live well here and I believe I will be a great person. =)

Have more faith in myself.

感人话语。。

Finally finish the last episode of a Taiwanese drama 我的完美男人 (my perfect man)...its such a good show, so funny and yet so me. Sigh. I can feel myself in the drama. Anyhow, I must say, this is the 1st Taiwanese drama that I finish watching and as I watch, I felt like knowing the ending, yet don't wish the ending to come so quickly. Cool drama, should watch, if you have time and if you know mandarin. lol.

1. 认识你，是我这一生最好的事

2. 没有你在我身边，我怎么可能幸福？我们之间已经浪费太多的时间，从现在开始我只想跟你在一起。

3. 不管你在哪里，我都会找到你。

4. 未来的路，没有你,我怎么能走得下去？

5.上帝的安排，背后总有他深沉的意义。

6.有缘分的两个人，不管把他们分开在什么地方，最后都是会在一起的。经过漫长的寻寻觅觅以后

All these are so touching right?I don't know which I love best. Maybe 1?4?

But, one thing I know, after re-read 6 for so many times.....I finally able to let things go.

对你，对我，是一个考验。 时间，能够证明，我是真的喜欢你，还是因为得不到你而执着的要你。

Mum is leaving on Saturday. Sigh. I am going back to the lonely life. Things are going to be difficult I think. There are lots of things in mind that I have to settle and that without mum here, it is the best time to settle. But once the things get kick started......things are going to get a bit ugly....and difficult.

But, I will try and live one. I kind of miss the time I was in IMU. I never know what is the meaning of lonesome. I live on my own world, I don't mix much with other friends, I have few friends and that's all I needed. Sounds like a self sufficient life right?? haha.

This morning, a guy asked me "so, shall we continue our flirting game?" and I said yes. Somehow, I feel I hate this kind of cheapo me after I agreed. That guy....I felt is not respecting me. I don't mind a verbal flirt, I mean I had been flirting for fun with few guy friends...but they all know we're just kidding, we don't mean what we say. But this guy, I don't know.....he kept saying verbal is no fun....sigh....I think I need to turn the offer down soon. I hate this kind of cheapo me. I rather people call me a proud woman and that I will never get married off than this kind of cheapo me. When you start to hate yourself, its a bad sign, means you did something wrong. Yes, I think I am going to reject that offer soon. 

Don't know why, today....Ireland guy's face keep popping into my mind. I start to think "hmm, where is he? I haven't hear from him since my exams....or maybe before my exams? I was so busy, I think I sort of neglected him.". I hope he is well....should contact him soon.

Ahhh....why?? Why that drama has to end?? I know the ending now.....I don't want the drama to end!! I wish it can go on and on........I need some laughter in life to keep me happy and going in Aberdeen. lol. Aberdeen is too sad la.

Anyway, should go help mum pack. I think I am going to hug mum and sleep tonight. I haven't hug her for so long....I feel like going back to being a kid and hug her whole night. =)

xx

 

 

人生的转折点

Recently watch another jap drama (ya lor...I love jap drama, cannot meh???). In that drama, this fella said "In one's life, you will definitely meet many people who changed your direction in life and perhaps changed your life".

Come to think about it, there has been many people that I met, who change my direction in life and, I guess, to some extent, change my life?

One of them, is my kindergarden teacher. I have no idea what is her name, I cannot even remember her face, all I can remember is her voice. I remember when I was studying in Catholic Kindergarden (yes...I just found out almost all my education has connection with Catholic), there was this kind nice teacher who was very nice to me. That time, I still have incontinence problem. lol. Not every time la, obviously, but once in a while, ie: when I ate dirty food...That teacher was so patient, I still remember her voice in my head "never mind girl, don't cry, there is nothing to be ashamed about. You had a tummy ache, didn't you? Its okay, teacher will help you change and you will smell good again. Never mind girl, never mind.". Each time (i think there were few times, maybe 2-3times over that few years?), she would hold my hand, walk me down the long stairs, step by step, we would go toilet and she would help me clean and then give me something clean to wear. lol. From then, I told myself "when I grow up, I want to be as nice, as kind as teacher. I want all children to love me just as I love her." and hence...I am a much nicer person today. haha.

Next person I can remember is my Primary 5 teacher. Till today, I still keep in touch with her. I don't know why I keep close contact with her....I just want to keep in touch. She gave me a good advice before I left Primary SChool. "欲穷千里目，更上一层楼", in order to see further, you need to climb a level higher. Meaning, to walk further in life, to gain better achievement, you need to work harder and put in more effort. She told me "doreen, you are someone who can go far, teacher believe in you that you can, so strive as high and as far as you can, but always remember, there is teacher at your side. If you need me, come back to me, I will be available". It is because of that piece of advice, when ever I am down and tired, I told myself I get to move higher....somehow, I would get more motivation after thinking of my teacher.

Then, another person, also my teacher, but this time, is my secondary 2nd teacher. She taught me to be contented in life. "知福，惜福再造福", life is not just about achievements, money, power...its more than that. Learn life lesson well, those are colours in life. Without those colours, life would be dull and not at all exciting. When I meet obstacles, I should thank obstacles for giving my life colours, and given me a chance to learn. Then, always be contented of what I have and spread the love and what I have. Obviously, there are limits, but as long as within my limits, help others as much as I can. Maybe, that is why, today, I always got taken advantages of. Sigh. Each time, I tell my mum "ma, I don't want to help people anymore. I always got taken advantage.", but hola...i am still helping others. lol.

Next, comes my ji-muis, my 3 pretty girls, who has always been my side, supporting me, shaping me into who I am. Because of them, I feel I am more responsible, I think very far.....and I am a super busybody too. lol.

Then, my IMU gang, esp Chen Yi and CCB. CCB taught me what are guys. lol. He taught me to see life differently, to see guys differently and to understand guys better. hahaha.

Finally, Him. I didn't expect to get anyone that can change my direction in life after reaching 21 years old. But, he came. I think I learned the most important element in life from him. Trust and Faith. For years, my girls had been teaching me to have faith in religion (yet that failed) and for years, no one spoke of trust among each other. But he came. He is the 1st person that I really wanted to settle down and "try it out for once". He is the 1st person that ask me to have faith in him, which I failed. lol. Anyhow, things didn't work out, yet, I learned a lot.

People come people go. Things happened and forgotten, 10 years down the line, who will still remember me except those who still keep in touch? But people who play a role in shaping you into who you are today.....you will remember them always. Just like how I remember my kindergarden teacher (must be good 20years ago...lol).

Of course, there would be more people in my life that helps me and guided me into this path, the current path that I am walking. One of them is my grandpa, my parents, my aunts and many other friends. Not that I refuse to mention them, just that, for my families, they did too much, too many things that helped shaped me, so much so that I cannot name all. While for other friends, I just cannot remember what they did for me. lol.

So....yea.....wow, Come to think about it......many people helped me to where I am now. How I wish, I can keep those people I named above with me forever.

Wish Wish Wish.....

xx

I WIN!!!

Yay!! Kishendra replied!!

I am right.

My faith is right!!

My believe is right!!

What do I want more? Nothing!!